We know sexual abuse is a scary subject, one that’s hard to think about, harder still to talk about. When it was time for me to have that conversation with my daughter, I quickly realized how scared and ill-informed I was. So I did a little research and found 1 in 4 girls, and 1 in 6 boys, will be victims of sexual abuse before their 18th birthday – usually by someone they know. Are you prepared to prevent this from happening to your child? I wasn’t.
Fast Facts:
- Experts estimate that one in four girls — and one in six boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthdays. This means that in any given classroom or neighborhood full of children, there are many who are silently bearing the burden of sexual abuse.
- One in five children are sexually solicited while on the internet
- Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
- The median age for reported sexual abuse is nine years old.
- Approximately 20% of the victims of sexual abuse are under age eight.
- 50% of all victims of forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, and forcible fondling are under age 12.
- Most child victims never report the abuse.
- Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who “tell” and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems; often lasting into adulthood.
- 30-40% of children are abused by family members.
- As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts—abusers frequently try to form a trusting relationship with parents.
- Nearly 40% are abused by older and/or larger children.
- Those who sexually abuse children are drawn to settings where they can gain easy access to their prey; such as sports leagues, faith centers, clubs, and schools.
Step 1: Minimize opportunity.
- Understand that abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families, enjoying family activities, earning trust, and gaining time alone with children.
- Think carefully about the safety of any one-adult/one-child situations. Choose group situations when possible.
- Think carefully about the safety of situations in which older youth have access to younger children. Make sure that multiple adults are present who can supervise.
- Drop in unexpectedly when the child is alone with any adult, even trusted family members.
- Make sure outings are observable, if not by you then by others.
- Ask the adult about the specifics of the planned activities before the child leaves your care. Notice the adult’s ability to be specific.
- Talk with the child when he or she returns. Notice the child’s mood and whether the child can tell you with confidence how the time was spent.
- Tell the adults who care for children that you and the child are educated about child sexual abuse. Be direct.
Step 2: Think like a child
- The abuser shames the child, points out that the child let it happen, or tells the child that his or her parents will be angry.
- The abuser is often manipulative and may try to confuse the child about what is right and wrong.
- The abuser sometimes threatens the child or family member.
- Some children are afraid of disappointing their parents and disrupting the family. Some children are too young to understand. Many abusers tell children the abuse is “okay” or a “game.”
Step 3: If it happens
Learn the signs.
- Physical signs of sexual abuse are not common, although redness, rashes or swelling in the genital area, urinary tract infections, or other such symptoms should be carefully investigated. Also, physical problems associated with anxiety, such as chronic stomach pain or headaches, may occur.
- Emotional or behavioral signals are more common. These can run from “too perfect” behavior, to withdrawal and depression, to unexplained anger and rebellion.
- Sexual behavior and language that are not age-appropriate can be a red flag.
- Be aware that in some children there are no signs whatsoever.
Don’t overreact.
If a child breaks an arm or runs a high fever, you know to stay calm and where to seek help because you’ve mentally prepared yourself. Reaction to child sexual abuse is the same. Your reactions have a powerful influence on vulnerable children.
When you react to disclosure with anger or disbelief, the response is often:
- The child shuts down.
- The child changes his or her story in the face of your anger and disbelief, when, in fact, abuse is actually occurring.
- The child changes the account around your questions so future telling appears to be “coached.” This can be very harmful if the case goes to court.
- This child feels even more guilty.
Offer support.
Think through your response before you suspect abuse. You’ll be able to respond in a more supportive manner.
- Believe the child and make sure the child knows it.
- Thank the child for telling you and praise the child’s courage
- Encourage the child to talk but don’t ask leading questions about details. Asking about details can alter the child’s memory of events. If you must ask questions to keep the child talking, ask open-ended ones like “what happened next?’
- Seek the help of a professional who is trained to interview the child about sexual abuse. Professional guidance could be critical to the child’s healing and to any criminal prosecution.
- Assure the child that it’s your responsibility to protect him or her and that you’ll do all you can.
- Report or take action in all cases of suspected abuse, both inside and outside the immediate family.
- Don’t panic. Sexually abused children who receive support and psychological help can and do heal.
Related Resource: Talking to Your Kids About Sexual Abuse
Taken from material compiled by From Darkness to Light.
