“How often do you and Daddy have sex?” Wow! That’s the question I got from my teenage daughter recently—obviously, she’s not shy! She said she had seen a movie where they talked about the ‘right amount’ and she wanted to make sure my husband and I passed the healthy relationship test.
How does a couple know if they’re on the right track with regard to intimacy, or if their habits and patterns could spell trouble? Well, most experts agree that every couple is unique. What’s enough for one couple might be unsatisfactory for another. The only way to take the temperature of your love life is to communicate often and honestly with your husband.
1. Do you turn your husband down when he initiates sex?
This is a clear indicator that he desires sex more than you. Your libido may be naturally lower than his or you may find sex not as enjoyable. This is important to be open and honest about. Each time you turn down sex he probably feels rejected or undesired. It’s important for him to know why you are turning him down. It may not keep him from feeling hurt, but it will certainly take out the sting. Alternatively, you may be on the other side of this, initiating and getting turned down. If so, talk to your husband about his lack of desire for sex and communicate its importance to you.
2. Do you and your husband have a system or understanding that lets each of you clearly know that the other is interested in having sex that day?
Openness is the key to any relationship. It’s important for each of you to communicate your desires clearly. The earlier you communicate them the more time the other has to prepare to meet those desires. If there isn’t an eagerness to satisfy each other’s desires then that’s a whole other conversation to be had that may involve counseling.
3. Do you take part in sex with your husband enthusiastically most of the time?
Again, if the answer is no this could point to either lower libido or some resentment. Check with a doctor regarding your hormone levels if it is the former. If it is the latter, then you need to do some soul searching and engage in some honest discussions that may be difficult but when done with loving forgiveness can lead to greater intimacy.
4. Do you make sex with your husband a priority (do you save some energy for sex)?
This is a period of our lives where more is demanded of us than any other time. It’s easy to put our husbands and love life on the back burner. However, it’s an important thing to invest our energy in. So remember to save energy for it.
5. Can your husband talk to you about his physical desires; and when he does, do you listen and try to understand? Can you talk to him about sex, and does he listen to you?
This can be a touchy subject, easily involving hurt feelings and defensiveness. Try to really hear one another and see life from the other person’s perspective. A lack of desire to have sex can feel like a lack of love, but the two are often mutually exclusive. It’s important to create an environment where each person feels safe to be honest.
Tell us! What is the most difficult thing to communicate about regarding intimacy?
