May 20, 2009 - Should you read your child's text messages?
I remember when my oldest child went to middle school, I began to feel uncomfortable at subtle changes that put me out of the loop in her life. There was less contact with teachers, more invitations from kids I didn't know, and then she got a cell phone. With each age progression our children become more independent and that, overall, is a good thing. But all children need parental involvement, some more than others. It's a little tougher balance as a parent to stay involved during middle school and high school, but don't give up. Learn to walk through it and stay in their lives. They still have a lot to learn and they still need your protection.
One question I have heard a lot recently is "Should you read your child's text messages?" I have my opinion and a great video on a cyberbullying.
Comments
| 1. | Julie (May 20th 2009, 06:31 AM) |
| In a word, YES. It happened about 2 months ago, I walked into my son's room at 11pm and he was texting in bed. I asked what he was doing, because bedtime was 2 hours prior. He was deleting the texts as I was talking to him. I demanded the phone and thought that was all there was the that. However, throughout the night, texts continued to come in. They were 2 different MEN that got my son's phone # off of his myspace account (that he created without my knowledge or permission, at a friend's house). These men were preying on my 16 year old son. One was a homosexual transvestite, the other said not to be gay but wanted my son to text him sexual texts to help him 'get off'. I was horrified and cried until I threw up that night. I called the police, they said there was nothing they could do. They told me that yes, my son was a minor but he had been texting back, encouraging the contact, so until there was sexual contact, they couldn't do a thing. My son was naive, really yearning for friends, it was so sad. I was sad having not caught it earlier, but thank God nothing physical did happen. The problem is, is that one man knew where my son worked and showed up one night to introduce himself. This was scary but my son never told me about it until he got caught. He told me he knew it was wrong, what he was doing, but he didn't know how to stop. They kept texting him and he felt obligated to reply. It's been a long 2 months, emotionally a big headache and a big worry. I can only pray that my son understands how predators work and that he won't be so desperate for a friend to let this happen again. Now that he has his phone back, he is not allowed to delete his texts. We read them and compare the # of texts sent/received against the phone bill. If there is any discrepancy, he loses his phone for good. We've also put him in the Police Explorers program, to boost his self esteem and make him more aware of the criminals that are out there. Being a parent is not easy these days, not easy at all. Cell phones don't make it any easier. (His father, myexhusband, is the one that got him the phone. Not my idea!) Read your child's texts, because you love them and need to protect them. | |
| 2. | Gail (May 20th 2009, 09:19 AM) |
| I also agree that YES, you should read them. My daughter, who has just turned 12, seemingly a very sweet, straight-laced girl with high grades, nice friends and what I thought was good communication with her parents. I found her cell phone bill disturbing that she was texting late at night when she was supposed to be in bed. I cracked her simple privacy code and was appauled at what I found. Extremely, EXTREMELY sexually explicit texts from a male in her school (another student) who she had known since childhood. They used words, talked about things I never dreamed she was aware of! Of course her phone was taken away out of school hours. I didn't let her know what I'd found for fear of her withdrawing, but it made me very aware when I thought I had a close eye on my child. I put some restrictions on her that made me much more comfortable that she would not act on such events. I also talked with the boys mother and for now, this is how we are handling it until we have a chance to discuss how to approach them appropriately on the matter. I don't want to go in too emotional and have her shut down. | |
| 3. | Marj (May 20th 2009, 02:08 PM) |
| We have a 25 yr old who still gets in trouble with her cell. Boy, do I understand. | |
| 4. | Gretchen (May 21st 2009, 11:45 AM) |
| Today's comment hit close to home. My son is starting middle school next year and I was having a hard time with how to stay involved in his life without invading his privacy or independence. Thanks | |
| 5. | Amy (Aug 17th 2009, 11:34 PM) |
| Hello im wondering is there ANYTHING i mean ANYTHING out there that can get your childs text messages please comment back. thankyou | |
| 6. | Rae (Sep 21st 2009, 11:44 PM) |
| I have a 17 year old son whom has never given me an ounce of trouble. He's always been responsible, open and trustworthy. Last week he started "dating" a girl from school. He accidentally sent ME a text that was meant for this girl. This led me to take his phone and read his recent texts. There were EXPLICIT texts to and from this girl describing the things they want to do with each other. They were making plans to be alone to have sex. In 1 week's time the trust I had in my son has been destroyed. Now I feel I have to watch him like a hawk. | |
| 7. | Rachel (Sep 22nd 2009, 10:49 AM) |
| Tbh, I think you should all have a little more trust in your children. I'm fifteen and my dad opened my phone bill today and I went ape at him. It's not right to read your child's text messages, same with diaries and conversations between themselves and friends. It's their own business. You invaiding in this will loose their trust in you, will weaken your relationships with them and possibly encourage them further to seek guidance and support from these ''internet people'' you're worried about. Just leave them be!! | |
| 8. | Oliver (Oct 26th 2009, 07:49 PM) |
| Being a teenager is the time in life to learn independence. It is none of the parents' business to be involved in your child's private social life. You want trust between you two? Reading someone's texts is the exact way to lose it. Whoever said that they were hiding it from their daughter so that she didn't withdraw...what the hell are you talking about? She'll withdraw BECAUSE you invaded (yes, invaded) her private life. By not telling her, you're just hiding the fact that you're hovering over her. You set yourself up to have her withdraw. And when (not if, when) she finds out that you betrayed her...she'll never, ever trust you again. And you don't deserve her trust. | |
| 9. | Nico (Oct 26th 2009, 07:49 PM) |
| "Those that would give liberty to seek security will find nor receive either." -Ben Franklin. Same thing goes for trust. Sure, there are a couple horror stories out there, and there are horror stories with everything, and with instincts as strong as maternal and paternal ones can be, it's very easy to jump to the worst possible conclusion. But there's a reason why teenagers are often called young adults. They are adults, but they are young. They are new to the world, and it is the responsibility of a parent to watch their back, not look over it. The best possible scenario of such is that the child doesn't do anything wrong because they have no opportunity to. The first opportunity possible, the choice is obvious. Unless you WANT a grown adult that can't function on his/her own in the real world mooching off you by sleeping in your basement and eating from your fridge, (or worse, the same kind of person attempting at life on one's own) then the first steps of trust between two adults, yourself and your child, must be taken. If you suspect something's going on, keep an eye out for your son or daughter, not an eye into their life. They are shifting from dependency to independence in a very difficult time for them, with all sorts of problems for them to deal with. The last thing you should be is another problem in their mind. | |
| 10. | ThatTeen:) (Nov 10th 2009, 07:08 PM) |
| I think you should have a little bit more trust in them and give them some privacy. The person above is right. Their growing and getting interested in more adult things. And about sexting. All teens get horny, it's natural. Have the sex talk to them. But don't allow them to have it if they are too young. 17 to 18 seems a good age. But if they are talking about it or ''sexting'' I wouldn't take I woulnd't take it too seriously. It's there way of releving themselves from that new feeling they are developing. Its natural. It happened to adults when they were teens, why punish your teens for it? As long as there not really doing it. I see nothing wrong with it. Everyone gets horny sometimes. :) Escpeically teens and their harmones, they can't help it. Plus,NO ONE can live without sex or releiving that feeling. That's a fact. Humans need sex to keep sane. I'm not saying it like some perv needing it. But that occasional feeling you get or the feeling that teens get often. But if you are sure they are texting a faker or a pedophile, then yes. I reccomend checking. But let them live a little, and learn things on their own. One needs to make a mistake to learn from it. Otherwise I think they should have privacy and be able to live a little since they are getting older, and trust me even middle schoolers know ALOT about sex! | |
| 11. | Kristy (Feb 09th 2010, 09:15 PM) |
| NOOO !!! | |
| 12. | Sarah (Feb 20th 2010, 06:49 PM) |
| My goodness, NO. I'm a 15 year old girl, and I have just realized my parents are getting every single one of my texts billed to them. I now have no trust in them, and they can definitely expect me to never tell them anything ever again. I practically have no relationship with my father and a very weak one with my mother, so this situation definitely did not help. It's sad, because we all live in the same house and my parents are still together. And it's not like they have a reason to read my texts, I consider myself a very controlled teenager. I play two instruments, am a straight A student, is not allowed to date, and all my time after school is spent in orchestra or studying. I practically have no life, and texting is just something I can do to keep in touch with my friends during the summer, weekends, and afterschool hours. So as you can tell, they have no right to read my texts. And even if I wasn't their "controlled child", I'd expect them to not read my texts. I find it sad that we don't act as a family anymore, but I will not treat them differently until they treat my differently. | |
| 13. | dan (Mar 08th 2010, 01:24 PM) |
| im a 16 year old boy. as a mother you have a choice to make. the bottom line is simple: whats more important? your childs texts? or his/her trust? when you lose your childs trust (which you WILL lose) you may be the last person your child calls if he gets into some kind of trouble. I think the best thing to do is imagine the worst case scenarios and decide which one is more dreadful for you to live with. if you read his text messages, you will discover things about your child that make your stomach turn. he/she may smoke marijuana, he/she may not be a virgin, he/she may go to parties. now some mothers may or may not have been doing the same things when they were their child's age. now god forbid they get in trouble with the police, or worse (there are much worse things than being arrested), your son WILL LOOK RIGHT PASSED YOU FOR HELP. personally i do not think that it is a sacrifice worth making. but i have written this as unbiased as possible | |
| 14. | mom1970 (Mar 26th 2010, 04:09 PM) |
| I am SHOCKED by some of the answers on here!! The teenagers who are saying "NO" obviously aren't going to want a parent to read their texts.. but who's the parent!?? I believe WITHOUT a doubt that YES parents should & have EVERY right to read the texts!! As long as a child is under 18 & lives in your home, you have that right. If the child is texting things he/she shouldn't be, and you read them, obviously, they aren't being honest with you anyways~! The problem today is that parents are more worried about being a kid's "friend" than the parent. If there is inappropriate texting/videos/etc, the phone should be gone. A cell phone is a priviledge, not a right. Parents need to get backbones & be parents. | |
| 15. | its me! (Jun 23rd 2010, 03:28 PM) |
| no parents shouldnt be a loud to read their kids messages. if they dont trust them dont read there messages just dont let them go out.give them more rules.ask them questions.have more family time. you shouldnt go thru their messages thats just wrong!!! | |
| 16. | Fjksgsuh (Jun 23rd 2010, 05:24 PM) |
| Hi all. I do not agree in reading your teens texts at all!!!! It invades privacy and makes them feel paranoid all the time it is extremely depressing and stressful on top of what being a teen and all. Teens are stupid trust me but they also have their own lives that shouldn't be disected. Some things teens say are just stupid but this world has planted seeds like violence drugs sex and language. Ask them openly they will talkabout most of it but if you invade theirpeivacy they won't talk about ANYof it!!!! | |
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