- Lauren Dungy
- Shaunti Feldhahn
- Tim and Darcy Kimmel
- Betsy Landers
- Dr. Walt Larimore
- Mark Merrill
- Joanne Miller
- Dr. Gary J. Oliver
- Kathy Peel
- Dr. Greg Smalley
- Dr. Scott Turansky
- Jill Savage
Articles by Dr. Scott Turansky
- What's Your Child's Personality Type?
- Time Out or Take a Break ?
- Three Factors to Remember About Character Training
- The Value of Generosity
- The Unmotivated Child
- The Secret to Prompt Obedience
- The Secret to Helping Children to Do What’s Right
- The Secret to Constructive Discipline
- Teaching Children about Sex
- Taking a Break vs. Time Out
- Strong-willed Kids
- Some Suggestions for Dealing with Attention Deficit Disorder
- More Than Obedience
- How to Stop the Whining and Complaining
- How to Make Parenting Shifts
- Honor one another – even your brothers and sisters!
- Honor Lessons
- Honor favor #9: Adopting others
- Honor favor #8: Helping others in conflict
- Honor favor #7: Speech
- Honor favor #6: Prayer
- Honor favor #5: Generosity
- Honor favor #4: Service
- Honor favor #3: Ministry
- Honor favor #2: Hospitality
- Honor favor #1: Modeling
- Honor Changes People
- Helping Children Deal with Their Anger
- Gratitude or Overindulgence?
- Emotions are Complex Tools for Communication
- Discipline - Run the Parenting Race
- Defibrillating Your Child's Heart
- Dealing With Anger in Children
- Character Training Step 6: Follow-up – Continue to Work on Solutions
- Character Training Step 5 Motivation – Inspire Change
- Character Training Step 4: Treatment – Provide Instructions for Working on the Solution
- Character Training Step 3: Solution – Name and Define Each Solution
- Character Training Step 2: How to Diagnose Strengths and Weaknesses
- Character Training Step 1: Observation – Recognize the Problem
- Character Training – A Systematic Approach
- Behavior: Getting to the Heart of It
- Attitudes – Bad to Good
- A Work In Progress
- 8 ways to prepare your children for dealing with tragedy
- 7 Ways to Teach Self-Control
- 7 Ways to Protect Your Child Online
- 18 Signs of Fear, Anger and Sadness in Children
- 10 Ways to Handle Lying
Dr. Scott TuranskyDr. Scott Turansky offers moms practical, real-life advice for many of parenting’s greatest challenges. read bio
Taking a Break vs. Time Out
Many mothers have a hard time with "time out," and for good reasons. Typically time outis a term used for isolating a child for a set period of time as a punishment for doing wrong, and it can be counterproductive to the discipline process. Expecting children to solve problems alone is unrealistic. Furthermore, the isolation can appear to force children away from the parent's love.
A "break" is a more valuable technique because it focuses on the heart and teaches children a more accurate picture of reality. When a child takes a break, the separation means missing out. The child is then motivated to repent in order to return to the benefits of family life.
There are two factors that draw our children back to us in repentance. First, when parents reflect sadness instead of anger, they provide an effective motivation for their children to change their hearts. The disappointment seen in a parent's eyes can be a powerful incentive for a child to want to change. Therefore, when you send your child to take a break, be careful about your anger. Reflect sorrow instead.
A second motivation to return to the parent is the fact that the child is missing out on activities and other privileges. You'll need to suspend the child's benefits of family life while he or she is working on the heart. Children learn that they cannot enjoy the benefits of family life without abiding by the principles that make it work.
Let's say that four-year-old Susan becomes angry at the park and pushes her friend. Mom says, "Susan, that's not kind. You need to sit here under the tree and take a break." Because Susan has experienced breaks many times before, she knows what to do. She sits under the tree for a few minutes, then comes back to Mom to discuss the problem. Her motivation to talk to Mom is fueled by the fact that she is missing out on park time. Because separation can motivate repentance, a break is a helpful part of the discipline process, not just simply a consequence.
During a time out, a child serves a sentence for a crime committed. The parent's role is that of a police officer, to keep that child in time out until the sentence is served. During a break, the parent's role is similar to that of the prodigal son's father, who waited with open arms for the child to return. How refreshing that is for us whose children require a lot of discipline. The concept of a break shifts the responsibility from parental control to the child's repentance. That truth alone makes a break the better approach.
How to Use a Break
1. Quickly begin the break after misbehavior
You might simply say, "Tyler, that was unkind. Take a Break in the doorway here, and come and see me when you're ready to talk about this." Or, "Sara, that attitude is not helpful. You need to take a Break on that blue chair until you settle down and are ready to talk with me."
2. Stay calm
A parent's emotions can turn a discipline time into a volatile argument. It's important for you to remain calm and matter-of-fact as you progress through the process. This allows the child to focus on the offense instead of on parental anger.
3. Choose an appropriate break location
The best location for a break is a place away from any activity or stimulation. The bottom step, the hallway floor, or a chair in a quiet room might be appropriate. The child's room, full of toys, may not be helpful. It's best to choose a boring place where a child can think and is then motivated to return to the parent.
4. Ignore protests, excuses and tantrums
Some children resist taking a break and taunt parents into a battle. An angry child wants company and pushes a parent's buttons to invite the parent into a fight. Ignore the tantrum and simply say, "We'll talk about it after you take a break."
A break is an effective tool to motivate heart change in a child. It usually takes some time to develop this routine, but do the hard work, and you'll use it regularly for years to come. Furthermore, your child will grow up learning the value of settling down and making heart-level changes. You may not see significant improvement right away, but keep at it, and over time your child will grow into a person who is able to make a mature response to correction.
Taken with permission from the book, Home Improvement : Eight Tools for Effective Parenting by Scott Turansky, D. Min. and Joanne MillerR.N., B.S.Nblog comments powered by Disqus