- Lauren Dungy
- Shaunti Feldhahn
- Tim and Darcy Kimmel
- Betsy Landers
- Dr. Walt Larimore
- Mark Merrill
- Joanne Miller
- Dr. Gary J. Oliver
- Kathy Peel
- Dr. Greg Smalley
- Dr. Scott Turansky
- Jill Savage
Articles by Shaunti Feldhahn
- Your Husband Really Wants to Make You Happy
- Why Men Feel Trapped
- Why Men Feel Inadequate
- When Your Teens Shock You—React Like This
- What Teens Really Want - By The Numbers
- What Men Have to Say about Romance
- The Secret to Making Your Husband Happy
- The Male Factor
- The Four Truths About What Teens Really Want
- The Five Respect Needs of Men
- The Five Facts of Freedom
- One of the Biggest Communication Mistakes Parents Make
- Learning How to Let It Go
- A Disrespect Barometer
- 5 Ways to Bridge the "Sex Gap"?
- 4 Ways to Deal with Your Teenager’s Independence
- 4 Ways to Bring Out Your Hubby's Romantic Side
- 3 Things Your Kids Will Say One Day - That You Won’t Want to Hear
Shaunti FeldhahnShaunti Feldhahn is a best-selling author. Her books have sold two million copies and have been translated into fifteen different languages. Shaunti is a longtime nationally syndicated columnist and holds a master's degree in public policy from Harvard University. read bio
5 Ways to Bridge the "Sex Gap"?
I can't tell how often I heard a man's not-at-all-veiled appeal for his wife to not only desire him, but to do something about it. Although every intimate relationship has its own story, here are a few ways to begin:
1. Choose to love him in the way he needs.
Okay, If you're like me, you've probably been viewing his sexual need as mostly physical – important, yes, but probably also optional. By comparison, when you've been tugged on by little hands all day, your need for sleep can seem both important and immediately necessary. And, yes, if you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, "This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness," well… that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
Know that you're responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone.
First, know that you're responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you're touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words – reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power – using words and actions your husband understands – to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to "meet his needs" without getting engaged, you're not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God's intimate gift, and make the most of it!
2. Get involved… and have more fun, too.
One man on the churchgoer's survey was particularly blunt. "The woman needs to play an active role in the sex life. She needs to tell her mate what she needs, wants and feels. Passive wife = boring life." Whew!
I discovered that many men love the secret knowledge of having a wife that is sexually motivated. A few years ago, I overheard a thirty-year-old single friend telling Jeff what he wanted in a wife. "I want a wife who is a model of Christian virtue-Godly, faithful, and always kind to others." A grin crept into his face. "But when I get her home…!"
Now some of us may laugh at that and think that being a "wildcat" is a bit beyond us. Not so say the men. All that means, they say, is a wife who makes the first move once in a while and who brings all her attentions and passion for her man to a bed with her. Do that, and watch your husband light up with delight!
3. If you need help, get it.
I recognize that some women might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husbands' sexual needs, but feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don't want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
4. Make sex a priority.
An excerpt from a Today's Christian Woman article captures this issue- and provides an important challenge to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it "just wasn't one of my priorities." She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people's needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband's clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: Are the "needs" you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?
If our daughters weren't perfectly primped, he didn't complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn't say a word. And if he didn't have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said "no" to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn't making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day…. Would the world end if I didn't get my tires rotated? I'd been so focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I'd cut my hubby out of the picture.
Are the many other things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so that we know that we are taking this seriously.
5. Getting those "love signals" right.
In closing, I thought it would be encouraging to look in on how one average husband and wife handled this issue. Mark and Anne had a good marriage in general. They had been married fifteen years when Mark noticed their sex life starting to wane. Anne was not responding the way she used to, was just not as interested, too busy, too tired. They didn't stop making love, but as Mark says, "It just seemed to be less of a priority for her."
Mark is a business man, and he sometimes works long hours, which used to be a source of grief for Anne. Years earlier she had sat down with him and explained that it wasn't so much the hours that hurt her, but that he didn't come home when he said he would. She told him that he was a great husband, but that this one thing made her feel very uncared-for. She told him that his willingness to tell her a realistic time when he'd be home and stick to it was— for her—one of the most important signals of his love. Mark understood and that became a priority for him.
Now, years later, Mark sat down with Anne and told her that he was concerned about the drop-off in their sex life. He drew a parallel to Anne's need for him to be home when promised. He said, "I could be a great husband but not do this one thing that is really important to you, and I'd still fail at making you feel loved. Having sex like we used to, having you be responsive to me, is the same thing for me."
Anne had never understood it that way, and it was important for her to hear that she could be a great wife, but if she didn't respond to her husband's sexual desires—one of his most important "love signals"—she'd still fail at making him feel loved. As Mark now says, "It clicked for her, and that changed everything."
Has your husband been sending you signals?
Has your husband been sending you signals that he is unhappy about your responsiveness to him? It's possible that he may wish he could explain this to you, but doesn't know how. Or maybe he's tried, but you've discounted the importance of his request.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge you: Don't discount it. It is more important to him—and your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage—than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband's heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired. Let's take that compassion and understanding with us as we examine the next area of his inner life.
Used with permission from the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahnblog comments powered by Disqus