iSpecialist

Shaunti Feldhahn

Shaunti Feldhahn is a best-selling author. Her books have sold two million copies and have been translated into fifteen different languages. Shaunti is a longtime nationally syndicated columnist and holds a master's degree in public policy from Harvard University. read bio

Your Husband Really Wants to Make You Happy

iSpecialist Shaunti Feldhahn takes us inside the male brain, and the male heart.  Shaunti is a Harvard-educated  researcher who interviewed men across the country. I asked the survey respondents one open-ended question that they could answer however they wanted:  What is the one thing you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can't explain to her or tell her?

Hundreds of responses rolled in, and far and away the top response was this:

How much I love her.

I was stunned.  Here was a perfect opportunity for men to vent if they wanted to, or to share those things they wished their mate would work on.  And yet by far, the largest number of those responding—almost twice as many as the next highest response—chose to use the space to say that they wished their wife knew "How much I really do love her." (or the cousin statement, that there was nothing he couldn't share because they had a great relationship).

When I told a male colleague how surprised I was about this, he said, "Men really do have an unspoken longing to be able to say or show 'I love you,' but they rarely feel successful at accomplishing it."

One man surveyed seemed to perfectly capture the way many men feel about the women in their lives, even if there are things in the relationship that need work.  He answered that he wished his wife knew "how important some things are to me that I won't mention because she's more important to me than all those other things."

Men want to show us how much they love us and long for their women to understand what is going on inside, even though they sometimes can't explain it well.  More than once I have seen men tear up as they read the draft of this book, moved by the thought that their wife might be able to—or want to—truly understand them.

I'll close by reprinting here a sample of the loving comments from the survey.  We've talked a lot in this book about all those things your man may need, but intentionally haven't dealt with what you and I need.  What we need, of course, is to feel his love.  And if he's like most men, he really does long to show it to you.

"The one thing I most wish my wife knew…" (in alphabetical order):

  • "After so many years, I hope my wife knows that she is the best hope in my life. We don't have everything that we desire material-wise, but there is so much more to life than that.  I hope my wife knows that I love her and cherish our friendship, forever."
  • "How happy she makes me even when I am stressed or down about something else."
  • "How much I love and appreciate her."
  • "How much I love her."
  • "How much I really care."
  • "How much I truly do care for and love her and the kids."
  • "How much she means to me."
  • "How great of a person I think she is."
  • "I am very happy with my wife…She may not be the perfect woman, but she is the perfect woman for me."
  • "I have a perfect wife and marriage!"
  • "I have a wonderful relationship with my wife and we communicate well.  I wouldn't change a thing."
  • "I love her and only her.  It doesn't matter that our relationship isn't perfect—my love for her is so deep that nothing could break it."
  • "I love my wife and want to be with her."
  • "I love you.  Please understand me.  Make the leap to try."
  • "I love you with all my heart."
  • "I wish that she knew how much I look up to her for ALL she is—intelligent, beautiful, capable, sexy, creative, generous, and kind.  It seems that not a day passes when she doesn't feel insecure in one of these categories (or sometimes more than one).  I wish that she had the confidence in herself that I have in her."
  • "I would like her to know every day that I love her with all my heart and would do anything it took to keep that love alive."
  • "That I am a sensitive man who loves deeply and wants to be loved deeply.  And that I want to serve her if she would just let me."
  • "That I love her more than she thinks I do."
  • "That I will love her no matter what."
  • "That she is the most important thing in my life."
  • "That she truly is the light of my life."
  • "We have been together a long time and I hope she knows I will always love her."

Taken with permission from For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn

Resources:What Men Have to Say About Romance

Pillow Talk: End your day talking with your child

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