My daughter shivered on her bed. “It’s so cold,” she said, knees to her chest. “I don’t really want to go to soccer practice.” Looking out the window, I couldn’t blame her. The drizzle wasn’t letting up. And she’d made every practice this season. But still. Didn’t soccer players play in all weather conditions? “It’s your call,” I finally said. Her eyes widened just enough for me to notice.
She didn’t expect it. But at 13, she needed to start making more of the decisions that directly affected her life (and I needed to accept them). Our kids need to become their own people. As hard as it might be to give up the control at times, saying “it’s your call” to your teen will help her grow in these 5 ways.
1. She’ll feel empowered with decision making.
You’re putting the ball in her court when you say that “it’s your call.” William Stixrud, PhD. and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven Child, say, “When it comes to making decisions about your kids’ lives, you should not be deciding things that they are capable of deciding for themselves.” We need to help kids learn how to make good, informed decisions. Start by empathizing with her and then brainstorm possible solutions you’re both comfortable with and go from there.
Discuss the pros and cons of a tough decision. If your child is willing to listen and consider these options, then go with her choice in the end, even if it’s not the one you would’ve picked.
2. He’ll build his self-esteem through experience.
“I’m not sure I can go to the campout. I have so much homework this weekend. And I haven’t been sleeping well.” My teen had had a cold the previous week and still hadn’t quite recovered. And apparently, he also had two big tests coming up. “I don’t know what to do,” he moaned the night before he was supposed to go. “I feel bad you have so much homework,” I said. “And I know you won’t get a lot of sleep in the tent. It’s your call. I support you either way.” It ended up raining all weekend, and by Sunday, I knew he’d made the right choice not to go.
When you give your teen the room to make his own choices, it gives him confidence in other situations as well.
When you give your teen the room to make his own choices, it gives him confidence in other situations as well. Click To Tweet3. You’ll foster her independence.
My daughter called me from her friend’s phone after school: “Mom, I decided not to run for office. I’d have to give a speech.” I paused for a second, thinking. A few days ago, she’d been all excited. I gave her some encouragement to still go for it, but ultimately, I wanted my soon-to-be 14-year-old to make her own decision with me pressuring her. Finally, I said, “OK, sweetheart. It’s you’re call.” I felt her smiling on the other end of the line.
Decision making for teens requires practice. Even though you’re letting her decide, you can still provide encouragement if it’s something you think would be good for her. And keep in mind the more choices she makes for herself, the better she’ll get at it.
4. You’ll zap any parent-pleasing tendencies.
Our son stayed in honors algebra because I think he wanted to make us happy. But the hours on homework and the low quiz grades made him miserable. A year later, we told him it was his choice whether to stay in honors geometry or drop down to college prep. It wasn’t an easy decision for him! But he chose to drop down and within weeks, his grade in math shot up. He got back hours of his time and his confidence in math returned.
We think we know what’s best for our kids, but sometimes we’re wrong. Allowing our teens to make decisions for themselves gives them the chance to figure out who they are and what they want in life. It might teach us a few things too.
5. You’ll develop more trust and confidence in your child.
“I’m not gonna go,” my teen daughter told me. A friend of hers had invited a bunch of girls over to celebrate the girl’s 14th birthday, and the plan included a particular R-rated horror movie. I was happy my daughter told me about the movie plans and thought she made a good choice. It felt like this decision had come from years of teaching our family’s values, and it was nice to see her put it into action.
Decision making for teens can feel difficult. They might not always make the right call, but that’s part of growing up. Accepting your kid when she messes up will teach her that making decisions doesn’t have to be scary and she can try again in another situation.
Is decision making for teens in your home difficult?
