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Forgiveness: From Your Teen

Sometimes moms and their teenagers just don’t get along. And maybe you’ve said something that has deeply offended or angered your teen. Or maybe you let them down by not keeping a promise. But what happens when you’ve apologized and your teen is still closed off to you?

In their book, The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships, Drs. Gary and Greg Smalley provide several possible reasons why your teen is slow to forgive. Perhaps she was more deeply hurt by your comments than you realized and she feels a simple apology is not enough, or that you don’t fully understand her side. Or maybe the situation involves more than the two of you, or there is another underlying cause for his resentment. You may also have a teen who is skeptical, and may want to see your actions change before she believes your apology. Or perhaps your teen is very methodical, and needs more time to sort out the situation in his mind.

In these situations, Drs. Smalley and Smalley recommend that you remain patient with your teen: “Don’t feel that just because you have started doing some things differently and have sought forgiveness, your teen will be able to forgive you right away.”

But don’t let the subject drop. After giving your teen some time to process their emotions, start the following four-step apology explained by Drs. Smalley and Smalley: “reflect tenderness, increase your own understanding, admit the offense, and seek forgiveness.”

Maybe your first apology seemed hollow because it lacked one of these areas. When giving an apology, make sure that you are really listening to your child’s point of view (even if you don’t agree with it) and you are taking ownership for your part in what went wrong. Make sure your teen feels safe around you, and you are not sending mixed messages of criticism in your apology.

If patience, time and careful apologies still do not work, you still must not give up. Do not let this become a source of bitterness and resentment for your teen. Keep working on building your relationship, instead of letting these situations build up a wall. However, this does not mean that all of the burden and responsibility falls on you alone.

Drs. Smalley and Smalley say, “Just as you need to keep forgiving your teen for hurtful words and actions, so your teenager is responsible to forgive you. You can be faithful to seek forgiveness and own your part of the problem. But you cannot take an inferior or guilt-ridden position if your teen consistently refuses to forgive you.”

If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with guilt or frustration, seek out a friend who can help you think through the situation. Perhaps she can help you think of what to say or how to listen more attentively. The key is not to give up, but also not to heap all of the responsibility on yourself either. If you feel your teen has unhealthy resentment issues in general, perhaps now is a time to talk with a family counselor about how your teen can learn to manage his emotions.

Drs. Smalley and Smalley sum up the situation: “There’s no set number of times to repeat the steps if your child won’t forgive you. Each situation is different, and so is each teen. Turn the process over to God, find an accountability partner, and continue to love and forgive your teen.”

This article is based on the book, The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships: Discover The Key to Your Teen’s Heart by Drs. Gary and Greg Smalley.

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