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4 Subtle Ways Shame Erodes Your Life

“I’m the only person in our entire family to get a divorce. I’m so ashamed.” When my friend shared these feelings with me, I assured her no one looked at her that way and that what she’d been through wasn’t her fault. Sometimes shame is evident, and we even say “I’m so ashamed,” but dealing with shame isn’t always clear-cut.

For me, the voice of shame showed up at staff meetings. I am a counselor, and even though I’ve been doing my job successfully for many years, I had an overwhelming sense that the other counselors were qualified and I was just a fraud. It didn’t matter how many clients found freedom or gave positive feedback. I was experiencing shame. Guilt says I did something wrong; shame says I am something wrong. I’m getting better at recognizing and dealing with shame. You can, too, by getting to know these 4 ways shame shows up.

Type of Shame: Inadequacy

Shame that shows up as inadequacy tells us we aren’t enough. It told me that no matter what I did, I would never measure up and would mess things up. Even more than the words of others, voices from within ourselves can twist things in our heads and completely change reality.

How to Find Freedom: The methods I used to shut up those voices were to only take in media with messages that raised my self-esteem. I also wrote encouraging words on sticky notes and put them on my bathroom mirror. I purposefully listened to compliments and accepted them as truth.

Type of Shame: Comparison

I’ve wasted a lot of time comparing myself to others and trying to be someone I am not. Once I stopped trying to be like the other counselors in my office, I could see the unique qualities I offered clients. I was then able to see clearly how those qualities positively affected people.

How to Find Freedom: Schedule a meeting with yourself and write down what you offer people in your own sphere of influence. Then you can build on those qualities. Are you always ready with an encouraging word for your friends? Be the one they gravitate toward when they need a boost.

Type of Shame: Defensiveness

I used to defend myself or make excuses. I knew it was self-protective. What was I protecting? My self-worth? Probably. If our self-worth is intact, we won’t need to defend it.

If our self-worth is intact, we won’t need to defend it. Click To Tweet

How to Find Freedom: Self-worth can be built by learning a new skill or writing down positive qualities about yourself (like I did with the sticky notes on the bathroom mirror). I also suggest asking a trusted friend what she appreciates about you and finding quotes or Bible verses that are uplifting for you to remember during a time of vulnerability.

Type of Shame: Hiding

One of the unhealthy ways I dealt with shame was by hiding. I would hide by not speaking up at meetings. If I were quiet, I figured, no one would notice me. Sometimes we hide in front of people by not allowing them to see our true selves and only showing the parts we consider acceptable.

How to Find Freedom: To overcome the shame at work, I responded and gave opinions, even if those opinions weren’t popular. Putting yourself out there, even in a work situation, takes vulnerability, which is always a risk. But vulnerability leads to genuine connection—and to actually being seen and loved.

How has dealing with shame impacted your life?

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