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5 Facts About Teenage Freedom

I was 15 when I pulled the whole “I’m sleeping at my friend’s house” stunt. My mom thought I was at Lauren’s house. Lauren’s mom thought she was at mine. We stayed at another friend’s—and neither of our moms would’ve approved. I knew it was wrong and even now, I get a bad feeling in my stomach when I think about the deception we pulled. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I was chasing after teenage freedom the wrong way.

When we see our teens push the independence envelope, take foolish risks, or break rules, we often chalk it up to peer pressure, social media influence, and even rebellion. Sometimes it is, but often, it’s just a sign of a spirit that’s straining for teenage freedom (albeit imperfectly). Our job is to guide our children in productive ways instead of reacting in a way that triggers a sense of desperation. To do that, you need to know these 5 often-overlooked facts about this aspect of a teen’s inner life.

Fact #1: Freedom wields a greater influence than parents or peers.

Over the years, many studies have asked whether parents or peers exert a bigger influence on kids’ behavior. Our research convinced us that this question misses the main point. When freedom is added to the mix, it seems to far outweigh the influence of any person. We asked, “When you do something that your parents would disapprove of, what is the best description for the reason that you do it?” Here are the approximate results:

  • 6% answered with “I’m just doing what my friends want me to do.”
  • 89% answered with “I’m just pursuing my freedom and my ability to do what I want to do.”
  • 4% answered with “I’m just being rebellious against my parents.”

Nine out of 10 kids aren’t rebelling so much as they’re pursuing freedom and their ability to do what they want to do. Peer and parental pressure are external, while the desire for freedom is internal. When the two are in conflict in a teen, the internal “want” often wins.

Fact #2: Under the influence of freedom, kids may do stupid things.

You might think this is obvious because you’ve seen your teenager do things that made you wonder if he or she has any common sense. But parents forget how different the teen brain is from an adult brain. Like addicts under the influence of a real drug, kids high on the thrill of freedom may not be thinking clearly. To complicate matters, it’s not just the high of teenage freedom at work. It turns out our teens are not only addicted, but they’re also brain-deficient. In the absence of a fully functioning frontal lobe, teenage brains rely more on the centers that control emotion, which in effect means they give in much more easily to impulses.

Teenagers also subconsciously believe they are invincible, that nothing bad will happen if they drive too fast in the rain, become sexually involved, or get drunk and go swimming in the lake with their friends.

Fact #3: Kids deeply fear losing their freedom.

Once we understand just how much teenagers revel in their first tastes of real freedom, it shouldn’t be surprising that, like other addicts, they’re also dealing with a deep fear that we will forever take that freedom away. An enraged teenager’s out-of-proportion response to your words or actions may be a sign that you’ve set off his or her ultrasensitive “loss of freedom” radar.

So what most pushes a kid’s fear buttons?

  • The sense that freedom has been snatched arbitrarily: Most kids say they feel their freedom is often taken away for no good reason or with no consistent pattern, and they are thus overly sensitive to the mention of possible restrictions.
  • Seeing their social life sabotaged: Kids are terrified that parental restrictions will make them outcast—a fate worse than death for a 15-year-old. One kid declared, “When they ground you for so long, it’s social suicide, and of course, you sneak out.”
  • Not understanding the rules: When kids say that “the punishment was so unfair,” it actually means, “I wish I understood the reasons for those rules.” If they don’t understand the why, what their highly emotional and irrational brains hear is, “I’m going to control you for no reason.”

Fact #4: Teens will do anything to get freedom and avoid losing it.

Driven by the all-consuming quest for teenage freedom and the intense fear that we’ll revoke it, even teenagers who are generally good and trustworthy sometimes resort to bad behavior. They may downplay problems, fool themselves into thinking they weren’t doing anything wrong, hide things, or tell lies in an effort to secure and protect their independence.

In fact, 83% of the kids we surveyed admitted hiding things from their parents in order to protect their freedom. Hiding could mean simply failing to mention an infraction, so the parent never hears about it. Or it could be more “active,” like the girl we spoke to who said she would change clothes after getting to school because her parents wouldn’t let her wear the outfits she wanted to wear. The most insidious tactic, of course, is outright deception. And when we asked the teens why they lie, they basically all said something along the lines of “because my parents will freak out about the truth.”

Fact #5: Ironically, too much freedom can be scary and our kids want to involve us in their quest.

After this fairly brutal reality check, the good news is that even freedom-intoxicated teens realize that unlimited freedom isn’t a good idea. One girl eloquently captured the perspective so many teens shared when she said, “My parents are really strict, and I wish they’d lighten up a bit. But if they didn’t give me any rules, I’d know they didn’t love me. We expect some boundaries.”

We were so thankful to hear that kids don’t always want to hide things or lie to their parents. In fact, they’d much prefer to talk to their parents about the choices and challenges they face, if they can do so “safely.”

Kids don't always want to hide things or lie to their parents. Click To Tweet

What do you do to help give your teenager freedom but also maintain strong boundaries?

Portions of this article were taken with permission from For Parents Only.

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