Infidelity

The Secret to Protecting Your Marriage From Infidelity


The real tragedy of infidelity is that many marriages end in divorce. In the blink of an eye, the trust and security that was the foundation for a healthy marriage is destroyed. Sadly, it takes years of dedicated work to rebuild lost trust and security ripped away by an affair. The reason is simple. After an ice storm, have you ever attempted to walk down a frozen sidewalk? Although it’s possible, there’s always anxiety that a horrible fall might be right around the corner. What many couples fail to realize is that an absence of trust and security in a marriage is like condemning a person to live on that ice-covered sidewalk. {Tweet This} Your mate is never truly free to relax because he or she is continually fighting to keep his or her footing.

To protect our marriages, we need to make a daily decision to have an affair-proof relationship. This protection builds trust and security, which in turn, melts the ice. Security from marital fidelity is built when we do four important things.

1. Make a Commitment Towards Growth

First, it’s extremely important to make a commitment to keep growing in your relationship with your mate. According to my mentor, Dr. Gary Oliver, sexual temptation increases as the satisfaction in the relationship decreases. In other words, the lower the relational happiness, the greater the temptation to medicate through some kind of addictive behavior (e.g., sex, alcohol, work, etc.). In order to find out what your relationship needs, ask your mate “What is something that I could do that would cause our relationship to grow?” I encourage you to begin making a list of the specific things and pick one of them to do on a weekly basis.

2. Becoming Aware of Your Choices

A damaging force working against marital fidelity is rationalization. Today’s test for honesty seems to be, “It’s okay as long as you don’t get caught,” or “It’s not that bad, everyone’s doing it.” A major battle is won when we stop asking what’s wrong with certain choices, and instead, ask what’s right with them.

Every day I read a small poem above my computer. This poem has become the key for affair-proofing my own marriage: The choices we make every day, dictate the life we lead. To thine own self be true!

In other words, how we handle the small things dictates how we react to the bigger ones. I now start each day out by thinking about the choices I’ll make and how they can dictate my life. For example, if I spend too much time talking to a female co-worker, I need to be aware of how this can weaken my defenses or make me susceptible for an affair (emotional as well as physical).

The last part, “to thine own self be true”, simply means we must learn what God desires for our lives and remain true to His wishes. Becoming aware of our choices leads us right into the third way to affair-proof our marriages.

3. Draw a Line and Then Stay a Safe Distance Behind It!

While doing a seminar in Hawaii, my family and I were caught in a major storm. At one point, thirty foot waves were crashing against the hotel. It felt like we were being shelled by artillery. Wanting to get close to the monstrous waves, my father and I snuck past a sign that read: Dangerous Beyond This Point! Standing near the water’s edge, a gigantic wave suddenly broke and knocked us down. As we laughed and “high-fived” each other, we were confronted by hotel security. They quickly explained that it wasn’t the waves that were the only danger. Instead, the real problem were the rocks that were jarred loose each time the waves struck the shoreline. We had difficulty believing this until we saw some of the “pebbles” that were embedded into the side of the hotel.

The reason that the hotel placed the danger signs away from the water’s edge was to create a buffer zone. In other words, they wanted to leave room for error. This way if someone made a mistake and crossed the line, hopefully, they wouldn’t be killed.

If you want to affair-proof your marriage, it’s important to draw a line and then stay a safe distance behind it. For each person, the safety line will be different. Some people will not be able to take business trips or work late with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Others may not be able to meet a certain person for lunch or to work out at the gym. Whatever the situation, determine where you need to draw the line. Since everyone makes mistakes, having room before you fall over the edge can be the difference between a compromising situation and losing your marriage.

4. Become Accountable to Someone

The final piece for maintaining marital fidelity is through accountability. Accountability is simply being responsible to another person or persons for the commitments you’ve made. If you desire to affair-proof your marriage, I encourage you to ask a good friend, pastor, bible study group, or co-worker for accountability. The important ingredient is having someone to ask the difficult questions. For example, “Did you compromise your standards last week?” or “Have you been getting your emotional needs met from someone other than your mate?” Ideally, these questions force us to carefully and prayerfully consider our choices because we know that someone will be checking.

If your desire is to build a protective hedge around your marriage or if you and your mate are recovering from the damaging effects of an affair by making the above four things a part of your life, you can melt the ice-covered sidewalks of your relationship where trust and security are sure to follow.

© 2014 iMOM. All Rights Reserved. Family First, All Pro Dad, iMOM, and Family Minute with Mark Merrill are registered trademarks.


IN THE COMMENTS

How do you protect your marriage from infidelity?


Dr. Greg Smalley serves as executive director of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family and is passionate to equip premarital and married couples with the knowledge, skills and insights necessary to enjoy a lifetime together.



  • Schela Belleus

    I loved every advice! I will be able to use this information in my future marriage. Thank you! May GOD BLESS!

  • SteveB

    After reading this article this morning, I wanted to comment on one interesting point I noticed. My wife had an affair not long ago. It started on a business trip with an industry colleague that she had never met before that trip as a “one night thing”. Upon returning from the trip, they remained in daily contact through text messages and phone calls, that then led to another “one night accident” 8 months later. My wife later explained to me that she kept in contact with him as a way to justify the one night
    affair. As in, she’s not the type of person that would just sleep with a random guy, but staying in touch with him made it more ok because they now had a relationship. After being caught, I found out that she had been discussing the affair with a female friend/coworker at the office on almost a daily basis. When the author made the comment “if I spend too much time talking to a female co-worker, I need to be aware of how this can weaken my defenses or make me susceptible for an affair”, I was initially surprised by the statement, but I’m in complete agreement. There’s obviously a lot that went into the situation, but now, being able to step back, those daily conversations with her girlfriend at work seem to have played another key role. Everyone needs friends and confidants, but those people need to be chosen wisely. Her office friend seemed to serve as encouragement. I’m not sure if she was living vicariously through my wife, but she always wanted an update on “them”. My wife clearly showed that she needed to talk to someone about what happened…..and instead of choosing a person that would steer her down the right path, she unfortunately chose a friend that enjoyed the soap opera as it played out. To this day, I still think back about how differently things may have played out if she had returned, confessed and apologized to me immediately, or perhaps never mentioned it to me, but opened up with a more honorable person for advice. A one night accident is horrible, but from this husband’s point of view, much easier to forgive than almost a year of deceit, dishonestly, and deception. We’re still married, and who knows where the future will take us, but I just wanted to share my experience to help others
    avoid the same situation. Going back to what the author said…..I do know that the ice would be much easier to melt if the affair had stopped at one night….and I truly feel that the friend my wife chose may have played a key role in keeping the affair alive after that first night.

    • http://imom.com/ iMOM

      Thank you for taking the time to share your heart, your experience, and your story. Your words hold value for many others.

  • kris

    This is a great article, however, it does no good if your spouse isn’t serious about protecting your marriage and thinks they have it under control. Pride goes before a fall. Finding someone who realizes that marriage is work every single day seems to be almost impossible.







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