Understand Your Role in Better Married Sex


Lots of marriage books, and especially those in certain Christian circles, emphasize the wife’s responsibility for the husband’s sexual satisfaction. To a certain extent, I agree with this. Men do have biological drives that we don’t have in the same way, and they do often experience love through sex far more than they do through a hug. So we need to jump in and have fun!

Nevertheless, I have read some very popular Christian books that make me rather uncomfortable. Simply having sex whenever he wants it in order to satisfy him so he doesn’t stray—as if straying is somehow your fault—isn’t really a Biblical way of looking at sex. You are not a receptacle. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, Paul writes:

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. When you are married, you both need to give and take. You need to go out of your way to satisfy him, but he also should go out of his way to cherish you and treat you gently.”

You can get more out of married sex if you take a different approach, mentally and physically.

Common Thinking, Common Mistake.

There is a thread in a lot of this literature that sex is somehow all about him, and so we need to adjust and make it fun for him. Do what he wants. Be his every fantasy! Yes, we do need to think about him. Yes, we do need to be sensitive to the fact that he probably needs sex more than we do. Yes, we do need to initiate. But when we start talking about how we need to satisfy his sex drive, we’re making the same mistake with sex that the world makes. We’re pigeonholing sex so that it’s all about the physical and not about the spiritual or emotional connection that it’s supposed to encompass as well.

If you’re just into “meeting his physical needs,” then you start to think of it in that way: sex is all about satisfying him, as if he’s some sort of animal. Sex doesn’t become something that brings the two of you together; it becomes something that almost dehumanizes both of you. And that’s not what God intended.

Unfortunately, part of the Christian church buys this. They think that because the woman was created to be man’s “help meet,” we have to help men in this area. We have to relieve his sexual tension! But if we go into marriage with that attitude, we miss the potential that sex has to be something that binds us together beautifully. And we can do some serious damage to our own sexuality.

It Really Does Take Two.

Sex is something beautiful that is meant for the two of you together. So instead of thinking of it as something that you have to do to satisfy him, think of it as a journey of exploration that you take together, where you get to know each other’s bodies, explore each other, and look into each other’s eyes. It’s not just about his release; it’s about the bond that needs to come between the two of you. That bond is not going to happen if sex becomes only about satisfying him.

Women, we need to challenge ourselves to make our husbands’ sex lives the best that we can. But sex is best not when we do it as often as possible solely for him; it’s when we embrace everything that sex should be, and that includes a deep emotional and spiritual connection. Work on forging that bond, on pursuing romance, on being that beauty, and sex will be great. Think of sex as a chore in which you have to act all excited or your husband won’t feel love, and you do great damage to your own sexuality. You feel cheap, used, and resentful. Don’t fall into that trap.

Taken with Permission from The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire. 

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