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General> Parenting > Dating: Dating as a Single Mom

Dating relationships are tough enough without tossing in the added pressures of children, an ex-husband, and your hectic schedule as a single mom. If you are considering dating again, or even remarrying, follow these guidelines provided by stepfamily expert and therapist Ron L. Deal.

Be Prepared to Wait

Deal recommends waiting a few years after a death or divorce before beginning a serious dating relationship. While this may seem like an eternity if you are feeling lonely or isolated, Deal explains that, "Most people need a few years to fully heal from an ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process, so do yourself a favor and grieve the pain, don't run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down."

Move Slowly

Don't let the excitement of a new relationship or the prospect of finding a husband blind your judgment. Choose your spouse very wisely, and spend a few years dating him. Deal warns, "Keep in mind -- and this is very important -- that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry." The key to a stable stepfamily is a stable marriage. So take your time getting to know your potential spouse, and work on developing a strong bond between you.

Once you are serious about a particular man who you are dating, begin to incorporate him into your children's lives. Young children can form attachments quickly, so make sure a boyfriend is potential husband material before allowing him to spend great quantities of time with your kids. And your older children will need plenty of time to build a relationship slowly with your potential husband. In fact, Deal shares that research has shown that, "the best time to remarry is before a child's 10th birthday or after his/her 16th; couples who marry between those years collide with the teen's developmental needs."

 Learn about Stepfamilies 

Stepfamilies have unique dynamics and need special attention to create a healthy blended family. Purchase books on stepfamilies and remarriage. Attend a stepfamily seminar and premarital seminar with your fiancé. Be prepared for the challenges you will face once you remarry. Be willing to make your new marriage your highest priority. And most of all, have plenty of patience as most stepfamilies take several years to start acting as a family -- and your "honeymoon" period may come at the end of years of work instead of just after the wedding. If you are not ready for the difficulties of blending a family, consider waiting to start a dating relationship.

Help the Kids

While your kids may have some difficulties once you begin dating, their greatest struggles will occur after the wedding. Be prepared to help your children through the process. Your children will experience loss when you remarry, because it will shatter their remaining hopes that you will reconcile with their dad or that a deceased father will still be a part of the family. They may also feel disloyal to their own father if they like your new boyfriend too much. But don't force your children to love their new stepfather. Have them work on building a relationship based on mutual respect first.

So keep communication open with your children through the dating and remarriage process. Help them work through whatever range of emotions they may be struggling with: guilt, anger, loss, depression, anxiety and even confusion. Let them know that it is normal for them to be confused about the new man in your life. Affirm their feelings when they are sad about the divorce or death of their father. Reassure them that their lives will eventually settle down, and that you will always be there to help them through the difficult transition. And above all else, let them know you love them unconditionally. If necessary, enlist the help of a professional counselor.

 Concluding Thoughts

While the dating and engagement process will provide many obstacles as a single mother, you can work through them and build a successful marriage. Deal provides the following encouragement: "For stepfamilies, accidentally finding their way through the wilderness to the Promised Land is a rarity. Successful navigation requires a map. You've got to work smarter, not harder. Don't begin a new family until you educate yourself on the options and challenges that lie ahead."

Source: Successful Stepfamilies:

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