“I just spent my whole evening driving you and your friends to a restaurant, got you pizza, waited for two hours, and this is how you repay me?” I said angrily, after my daughter had just mouthed off from the back seat.
“Don’t start the guilt trip, Mom!” she snapped.
“I will start whatever I want to start! And you are grounded for the weekend!” I replied hotly.
Yeah, that’s how it went, I’m sad to say. And while I was glad I’d made my boundaries clear, I’d sabotaged the conversation in the process. I bet most moms have accidentally sabotaged conversations with their kids. But there are better ways to respond than with your first reaction—ways that will promote more meaningful understanding and conversation. Here are 7 of them.
1. Avoid the guilt trip.
“For all the things I do for you, this is how you repay me?” It’s one of those things you never think will come out of your mouth until it does. It doesn’t feel good when you give and give, only to be repaid with a nasty attitude. When we lay a guilt trip on our kids, we’re hoping they will suddenly see reason and apologize, but instead, they feel attacked. It’s good to share your feelings with your child, but instead of accusations, try “I feel…” statements, like “When you talk back, I feel disrespected.”
When we lay a guilt trip on our kids, we’re hoping they will suddenly see reason and apologize, but instead, they feel attacked. Click To Tweet2. Stay calm.
When we have an outburst, we give our kids something to blame us for, and their nasty attitude turns its focus on us rather than the thing that was actually causing the initial grumpiness. Try quietly asking, “Hey, everything OK?” It sounds simple, but you’ll make so much more headway than if you explode. And if you need help coping with parenting stress, here are some tips that might help.
3. Keep the lines of communication open.
Sometimes being silent is a wise choice because yelling or unleashing insults leads to hurt feelings and regret. But when being silent turns into a whole day of punishing your kids for how they hurt you, that’s withdrawing, or the silent treatment. Whether it’s intentional or not, the silent treatment is an immature way to handle things (hey, I’ve done it, too). It causes the child to feel cut off from your love and forgiveness. Take a break to gather yourself if you need to, but don’t refuse to respond. Let your child know you are taking a breather and will revisit the topic in a little bit.
4. Avoid impulsive punishments. 
Any time you dish out discipline without thinking it through, there are risks. Not only does it lend itself to harsher punishment, but the conversation is completely cut off. Our child likely won’t want to talk rationally after hearing it, and we haven’t allowed our husbands in on the conversation either. Take an afternoon or even a whole day to decide what the appropriate consequence should be. Use iMOM’s printable Consequence Calculator with your kids to slow down your reaction and help your child connect the action to the consequence.
5. Give the benefit of the doubt.
When giving someone the benefit of the doubt, you take a moment to breathe and put yourself in his shoes. You’re deciding to trust that his or her intentions are good, and that prevents you from jumping at him or her with accusations. Do this for your child, but take it a step further. Say it out loud. It could look like this: “I know you were up late studying last night and you’re tired, but I felt hurt when you said that,” or “You have your period, and it’s a tough week, I know, but I didn’t like the tone of voice you used with me.”
6. Be assertive.
Less is always more when talking to kids. So get to the point, and be upfront with what you want to say while (you guessed it) maintaining a calm tone. Don’t mess around with passive-aggressive messages or sarcasm; this isn’t how we want our kids to talk to us, so don’t model it.
7. Refuse to argue.
When a conversation crosses the line into an argument, emotions tend to flare and logical reasoning goes out the window. The best thing to do is pause the discussion until a better time. Do you have a “hot spot” time of the day when arguments happen? For us, it’s the morning. My rule is no arguments in the morning. Whenever one of my mini-lawyers tries to engage me, I say, “There are no arguments in the morning, remember?”
What are some other ways we sabotage conversations with our kids?
