The swim meet ended late in the evening. Dozens of families gathered at the picnic tables beside the pool to eat a buffet and relish the victory. I’d just returned from my car with an armful of chip bags when a young swimmer ran past holding a huge platter of cookies. Barefoot, he hurried along, his eyes on the table ahead. So focused on the task at hand, he didn’t see the tree root, thick and ropy, until it was too late. The cookies went flying. The boy fell to the ground and his teammates whooped. Then he hastily stood, glaring at the tree. “Hey!” he shouted. “It’s not my fault! This tree root’s huge! Who picked this picnic table anyway?”
Yep, a tree got blamed. This beautiful, ancient maple tree, having provided shade in this park for decades without asking for anything in return had gotten scolded and blamed. It certainly didn’t seem right. But you know kids. Sometimes they blame you, a friend, or even a tree to get off the hook. Here are 5 ways to handle a child who won’t admit he’s wrong.
1. Listen and empathize.
If he’s done something minor such as dropping a plateful of cookies because he wasn’t watching where he was going, try empathizing. Say, “I know you’re feeling embarrassed. That’s an uncomfortable feeling! What can I do to help?” It’s the first step in guiding him toward ownership of his actions.
2. Don’t get trapped in an argument.
A friend texted me that my kids didn’t have their sheet music for the talent show rehearsal. I dropped everything and hurried to the school only to hear one of them say: “Why didn’t you put it in my backpack this morning?” I smiled, wished them luck, and retreated to the back of the auditorium. In that moment, I refused to get sucked into a power struggle. We’d discuss the issue later.
3. Stay calm and don’t attack back.
If your child gets louder and angrier, don’t follow suit. Keep your temper in check. If she shouts, “It’s not my fault, it’s yours! You’re a bad mom,” she’s trying to manipulate you by playing the victim. Once she’s calm and after she’s had time to think about what happened, you can have a more productive conversation. Plus, you won’t have regrets from firing back at her in anger.
4. Address the denial.
In the swimmer story, the boy just didn’t see where he was going. So why couldn’t he say “oops” instead of casting blame? When I started hearing “it’s not my fault” in my home, I had to ask myself if my expectations were too high. Was my child afraid I’d be upset when he made mistakes and wasn’t perfect? To help a child admit he’s wrong, try getting to the root of the problem (no pun intended). “It’s OK to be embarrassed when you make a mistake” could be encouraging to him. To soften the moment, you could also model humility: “I know you didn’t mean it, but we’re all wrong on occasion—even me.” Having humility will be much more helpful to him in relationships down the road than clinging to pride. I tell my child these days, “It takes a big boy to admit when he’s wrong.”
5. Model acceptance and a growth mindset.
Accepting setbacks will help kids become more resilient. When we—or our kids—blame others instead of accepting failure, it’s a lost chance for learning. Last week, my dog chewed up one of my library books. I wanted to say, “It’s the dog’s fault I have to pay the fine!” But truthfully, it was my fault. I left the bag of library books on the kitchen floor. It was a pricey mistake, but I learned not to do it again!
Accepting setbacks will help kids become more resilient. Click To TweetHow do you handle a child who won’t admit when he’s wrong?
