As I pulled into McDonald’s on a busy Wednesday evening, my 14-year-old daughter declared that she wanted to be a vegetarian. Just like that. BAM—no more cheeseburgers. I flippantly asked, “So what’s your plan for dinner?” because this is the same girl who wanted to learn guitar for a couple of weeks before ditching that for the piano. Then she started teaching herself Spanish for a day or two before deciding she would instead become fluent in American Sign Language. Gotta love the whims of a teenager. She ordered a smoothie and fries, and I didn’t give her new life goal another second of thought.
A few nights later, she skipped the meat sauce on her spaghetti. Her vegetarian identity hadn’t permeated my brain, so I asked why she was only eating noodles. The side-eyes and drawn-out “Maaaawwm” were her way of saying, “Don’t you remember I don’t eat meat now?!” Clearly, this was happening, and I quickly had to figure out if (and how) I would be part of this journey. When children start making choices that are different from our own, it signals their desire for independence and personal identity. Here are 4 ways to support your children when they start to go their own way.
When children start making choices that are different from our own, it signals their desire for independence and personal identity. Click To Tweet1. Research with them.
Clare and I started with an internet search on the overall health implications of being a vegetarian at her age. Once we determined that it wasn’t discouraged, as long as there were balanced meals with enough protein, we found some easy recipes to sample. Even though the rest of the family wasn’t jumping on the vegetarian train, I couldn’t sit back and watch her eat noodles every night.
2. Start slowly with them.
Our youngest son, Myles, is very athletic, but he doesn’t want to do any of the activities that my husband and I know and love (swimming, diving, tennis, and running). He’s asked to play football, baseball, soccer, and basketball—and we’re slowly figuring out how to support that. We bought a basketball hoop for the back yard, we signed him up for a beginner soccer league at the YMCA, and he got two footballs for Christmas last year. But I’m still crossing my fingers that he’ll go for a run with me someday.
3. Release the reins.
My friend’s daughter wanted to buzz one side of her head and sport a trendy haircut. For two years, my friend pushed back on her daughter’s request. It was a persistent no until she realized the battle over the haircut had become a much bigger issue than the haircut itself. Once she released the reins and reminded herself that hair grows back, it resolved some tension with her daughter.
4. Encourage them.
When our daughter was cast in the ensemble of her first musical, we sat through every show—even though her part was just a tiny sliver of the two-and-a-half-hour production, and we knew very little about how to be parents of a thespian. We brought flowers, took pictures, and encouraged her even though she was disappointed that she didn’t have a bigger role.
Encouragement is the secret sauce. Our children need to know we’re their biggest cheerleaders, regardless of their success rate. As they begin making bigger choices, and some of those choices are outside our familiar box, it’s important to remind them that their identity isn’t in what they eat, how they perform, or the awards they win.
Have you ever steered your children away from something simply because you were unfamiliar with it?
