Husband or Kids: Who Comes First?

My women’s group sat around a cluster of tables wonkily shoved together and discussed the week’s topic: prioritizing your marriage. One spoke up, “My husband can take care of himself. My kids can’t, so I have to put them first.” We nodded in agreement. Kids do have needs, like food and things…

Another chimed in, “My kids should know they’re not the center of the world. And seeing a healthy marriage is more important than any of the other needs.” Once again, we nodded. So which one of my friends is right? Who comes first, your husband or your children?

It’s your husband.

Research shows parents who are able to get and stay married are more likely to have children who flourish and who avoid the detours that can derail their futures. A key phrase in that sentence is “stay married.” A neglected marriage is rarely a successful marriage. It takes effort because kids who see their parents prioritizing one another gain a sense of security that spills over into nearly every other area in life.

I’m guessing reading that elicited one of two responses in you.

Response one: Praise! Let’s make marriage a priority and raise healthy families!

Response two: OK, sure. But seriously. My kids are loud and they like to ask for stuff.

Just because you see the benefit of prioritizing your marriage doesn’t mean your kids hop on board and stop being kids. Not to mention some children have special needs that demand both parents’ attention all the time.

And we want to be engaged moms—help with homework, listen intently when the kids tell stories, have a bedtime routine, show up at every game and cheer our heads off—and it’s hard to do that while “putting our husbands first.”

So what if we rethink the phrase “putting our husbands first?”

Maybe a better approach to the question “Who comes first, your husband or your children?” isn’t to form ranks. If someone is first, then someone else has to be second, and at some point, whoever’s in second will have to go without. As a mom, I don’t like the way that feels. I don’t want to neglect my kids when they need me.

Instead of who’s first and who’s second, what about putting your people in concentric circles, like a target? Your husband is your inner circle. The kids are the next circle out, then maybe extended family, and then friends. The person in the inner circle gets and deserves the most access to you. Each circle out gets less energy and less influence. The goal is to hit the bullseye. That’s how you make the biggest impact on every other part of the target. 

Will you hit the bullseye every time? Of course not. And there are seasons of life when you and your husband have to agree to be lower maintenance or take aim together at another priority, like in the newborn stage or when one of your kids is going through a particularly tough time. But putting your marriage at the center of your life will cause a shift in your behavior, and instead of causing the other parts to feel neglected, the growth your marriage experiences will enable you to pour into those areas together.

Putting your marriage at the center of your life will cause a shift in your behavior, and instead of causing the other parts to feel neglected, the growth your marriage experiences will enable you to pour into those areas together. Click To Tweet

But still, what does that look like in real life?

Aiming at the target means telling yourself your 20-minute tuck-in routine with your 6-year-old is sufficient, and now it’s time to climb into bed with your husband to watch a show.

It’s not allowing the kids to interrupt when you’re in a conversation with your husband. It’s not letting them wedge between you on the couch if his love language is physical touch. It’s not canceling the sitter on a date night because one of the kids says she is going to miss you too much.

More than any physical action, you make your husband a priority with your attitude—turning toward him when he makes a bid for your attention, letting him have a say in parenting, speaking respectfully to and about him in front of the kids. All of these things tell him that “you’re important and we’re a team,” and when you hit that bullseye, your team is number one.

There’s a lot to this topic, which is why we took it to the iMOM Podcast. Listen to the episode here and subscribe to get new episodes every Monday.

What do you think? Who comes first, your husband or your children?