Be Emotionally and Mentally Present
Married sex is often portrayed as boring, routine, and just plain no fun. But guest iSpecialist and author Sheila Wray Gregoire says it does not have to be that way!
It is a beautiful thing to be present with your husband body, mind, and soul when you make love. But if you have difficulty being present, here are some more ideas to keep your mind focused.
1. Pay attention to what is going on. If you find your mind wandering while you’re making love, immediately stop that train of thought and replace it with this one instead. Ask yourself constantly, ‘What would I like him to do now?” It sounds silly, as if you’re judging his performance, but that’s not really the point. If you ask yourself, ‘What would I like him to do?’ you’ll start paying attention to cues your body is sending you, and you’ll realize that different body parts actually do want some attention. Dissociation is the act of mentally leaving your body to think about something else. This technique pulls your brain back to the matter at hand.
And if something doesn’t feel good, tell him that too. Don’t just endure it, because for women, paying attention is the key to sexual arousal. You must keep your head in the game, and if he’s doing something you don’t like, it’s hard to do that. In a polite way, redirect his hand or whatever else he’s using to stimulate you.
2. Talk to him. If you want to stay present, talk. Tell him you love him. Tell him what you like. If you talk, you’re forced to think about what’s actually happening, and you’re forced to stay in the moment.
3. Look into his eyes. You can’t picture a different image if you’re looking into his eyes. And the connection when you’re doing that is really intense. If you talk to him, look in his eyes, concentrate on what he’s doing, and banish distractions. You’ll find that sex is much more intimate than it was before—even if you don’t achieve orgasm right away. There’s a big sexual high that comes simply from feeling connected to your husband, and many women, if you’ve been involved with dissociating during sex, have never experienced this. When you make love, focusing on high, you’re able to feel the love that truly connects you.
Taken with Permission from The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire.