Do any of these sound familiar?
“You didn’t remind me to bring my bike in, and it got stolen.”
“It’s not my fault the glass broke. The water made it slippery.”
“No one’s going to vote for my drawing. It’s a popularity contest.”
When your kid shows self-doubt or pessimism now and then, it’s understandable. Life can be tough. But if it’s her default setting, you might be dealing with a victim mentality. It’s hard to parent a child who’s Eeyore-ish, but we have to help turn that perspective around or it can impact relationships and even your child’s health. So what can a mom do to help pull her child out of that negative, finger-pointing attitude? Here are 5 tactics to get your child out of a victim mentality.
1. Listen to your own voice.
According to WebMD, victim mentality is a learned behavior. It’s not something kids are born with. It’s something they learn in a social environment, from family members, or as the result of trauma. If you know your child has not experienced trauma, listen to your thoughts and the way you speak. Have you adopted a victim mentality yourself? Do you think others are against you, and saying things like “Called it!” when something bad happens, or “Not my fault?” You can use these same tactics to fix your mindset while you work with your child.
2. Let your child experience cause and effect.
The deal I have with my kids and allowance is that everything on the list has to get done, or no money is given. No partial payments. This past week, they both missed one chore. I was tempted to let it slide, but I stuck to my guns. When we rob our kids of experiencing the consequences of their actions, we are inadvertently taking away their sense of control.
Not giving allowance was my way of saying, “You’re not getting paid because you didn’t do the work. You have control over this situation!” Showing them they have control over things under your guidance will help them accept the control they have over other situations.
3. Help her identify her thoughts and feelings.
Awareness is the first step toward changing any behavior. When your child says “I couldn’t help it,” or “She made me,” say something like, “That tells me you’re giving your power or control away. Is that really what’s happening?” Asking that question instead of saying “There you go again with a victim mentality,” is more positive and growth-oriented.
4. Allow disappointment to happen.
With my kids’ allowance, I could have extended some grace and paid them anyway. But kids need boundaries and follow through at home, or they expect life to be easy outside the home. Then, when it’s not, they think they’re being treated unfairly. Kids need to learn that life being hard is not a personal attack on them. It’s just life.
5. Encourage your child to take risks.
In It’s Not My Fault, Victim Mentality and Becoming Response-able, George A. Goens, Ph.D., teaches that when kids respond effectively to life’s challenges instead of blaming others, it leads to success in life. I appreciate his reworking the word responsible into “Response-able.” Is your child able to respond to challenges? If he’s not, it’s natural that he’d see himself as a victim. “There’s nothing I could do about it!” The key to helping your child learn how to respond to a challenge is allowing him to do challenging things.
The key to helping your child learn how to respond to a challenge is allowing him to do challenging things. Click To TweetWhat’s your go-to response when you hear your child say “It’s not my fault!”
