The couple sat in chairs next to each other, but they both scooched in their seats to get as far away from each other as possible. He was checked out and she looked ready to draw blood. He said, “I’m just about done with this marriage.” From the hurt that sprang up in her eyes, she obviously hadn’t realized he had one foot out the door. Her habit of hurling insults when she felt out of control felt disrespectful and degrading to him. His continual dismissal of her needs felt like she had no value to him. Yet neither could let go of being right long enough to listen to the other.
Their habit of always rejecting each other’s desires and defending their own is disheartening, but I’ve been in their shoes. I’m sure you have, too. It’s easy to see the things other couples do that lead to divorce, but difficult to recognize our own habits. Lots of couples think that as long as they’re faithful, their marriages aren’t in jeopardy. But here are 5 habits other than a wandering eye that you can avoid to protect your marriage from divorce.
1. Needing to Control the Other Person
We all feel fear at times while in a partnership with someone who has different perspectives. To resolve that fear, it’s tempting to use controlling tactics to get others to see things our way. Respect says, “I control me and you control you.” Anyone who’s had a toddler knows how impossible it is to control someone else’s mindset, let alone his or her behavior.
Try shifting your goal from controlling your husband and his behavior to sharing what you’re feeling and needing. For example, if his spending habits are more than your budget can handle, taking away his debit card or hiding money will only cause emotional distance. Instead, share how you don’t feel financially secure and how it feels like you’re trying to fill a hole he keeps emptying. Try saying “when you [insert his behavior], I feel [insert your emotion].” That’ll help you communicate your needs and protect your marriage from your desire to control your husband.
2. Seeing Your Husband As the Enemy
Not seeing eye to eye causes conflict. As I’m sure you can relate, conflict often feels competitive. However, when you see your spouse as the enemy, you’ll work to fix him instead of working to fix the problem. Realize you are both on the same team and the goal isn’t to win a fight. The goal is to understand and respect each other.
Ask him clarifying questions to make sure you understand what he is saying. When you feel defensive, stop and take time to regroup. Resume the discussion when you have both calmed down.
3. Avoiding Conflict
Conflict makes most people uncomfortable, making the absence of conflict feel like peace. However, it’s a false sense of peace. I’ve learned that avoiding working through conflict doesn’t solve the problem. Avoiding conflict creates distance and isolation in the relationship.
Having respectful, healthy conversations about disagreements will protect your marriage from resentment and is an opportunity to connect more deeply. It invites the other person into greater emotional intimacy. I learned a lot about this in the book Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk, which is the very best relationship tool I’ve ever come across.
4. Not Recognizing Your Triggers From the Past
All of us tend to bring past pain into present relationships, but we might not realize it if we haven’t worked on self-awareness. My dad died when I was a kid. At times, I have felt like people were abandoning me when they didn’t have time for me. Maybe for you, a romantic partner was unfaithful, and now it’s difficult to trust your husband. Or, if one of your parents had volatile angry outbursts, seeing your husband yell at the kids can feel threatening.
A sign that you are triggering from the past is having big emotions in response to somebody else’s insignificant actions. If you aren’t able to disconnect the past from the present on your own, seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. Doing that has helped me heal from the sense of abandonment I felt after losing a parent as a child.
A sign that you are triggering from the past is having big emotions in response to somebody else's insignificant actions. Click To Tweet5. Holding Onto Past Offenses to Use Against the Other Person
Keeping a tally of how another person has wronged you can feel like a great way to get someone else to listen and do what you want them to do, but that tactic never works. The other person just becomes defensive. When I’ve done this act of self-protection, I’ve made myself the priority, not the relationship. If you feel the need to coerce your husband into changing by bringing out all the files you’ve been keeping on him, you are feeling powerless and using manipulation to maneuver things in your favor.
Keep conversations focused on present situations. If some of his repeated behavior patterns are leaving you feeling exasperated, apply some boundaries. Even marital relationships need boundaries.
Do you see any unhealthy habits in your marriage? What are some changes you can make today to protect your marriage?
