The crisis of the moment: We were out of tape. My son was using it to hang random things on his bedroom wall and “zzzzip!” He got to the end of the roll. He came to me, holding the empty dispenser. When I asked him if he’d looked for another roll, he pointed at his brother and yelled, “Yes! And it’s all gone because he used it all to fix his binder!”
This “crisis” came right after my husband and I received a cancellation notice of our homeowners insurance. I was stressed and annoyed, so my response to my son was, “Is this really that big of a deal?” Kids need to know how to determine the size of a problem, but that question rarely garners a reasonable response. So next time, I’m going to try something I just learned: the “pick which five” trick. It’s a great way to help your child figure out what’s a crisis and what’s not worth freaking over.
What’s the “pick which five” trick?
I’ll explain it by telling you how I first saw it in action. I was having lunch at a friend’s house and I watched her calmly tell her 14-year-old daughter that the huge LEGO set she’d recently completed had been attacked by Godzilla, a.k.a her 2-year-old cousin. Her daughter started to freak, and my friend said, “Shelby, is this a five-minute problem, a five-day problem, a five-month problem, or a five-year problem?” Shelby paused, took a breath, and replied, “I don’t know. Maybe a five-day problem? But it could be a five-month. It’s going to take me a while to find the pieces and put it all back together.”
What had I just witnessed? My friend explained that she uses “pick which five” to help her kids learn how to determine the size of a problem. Asking them to consider which time frame most closely matches the amount of time this crisis is going to affect them immediately adds perspective to the situation. Then she gave me examples of each level:
A five-minute problem would be the milk is gone and now you can’t have cereal for breakfast. That’s annoying because you wanted cereal, but five minutes later, you have your yogurt and strawberries and life moves on.
A five-day problem would be getting assigned to a different cabin at summer camp than your BFF from last summer. The week might not be as fun as you hoped it would be.
A five-month problem could be getting paired up with a bad partner for a school project that’s going to impact your grade. If you get a C in biology, you’ll get passed up for your school’s honor society until next semester when they’ll look at grades again.
Five-year problems are the biggies. You missed the deadline for an application for a scholarship you were a shoo-in for. Now finances are going to be tighter and you’re going to have to get a part-time job while you’re taking college classes.
Why is it effective?
It forces everyone to take a beat.
Just pausing for a moment can powerfully defuse the situation. It can also teach your child how to move from reactive to responsive mode.
It prevents more damage.
If your daughter is upset that you took her phone away for a week, helping her identify that this is a five-day problem can keep her from making choices, like sneaking out or worse, that turn it into a five-month or five-year problem.
It’s a family communication tool.
No child wants to hear Mom say, “This really isn’t a big deal. You’re just too young to understand.” But using the time increments helps convey the “bigger picture” with different words. Conversely, kids can use the “pick which five” trick to tell you how they perceive a situation impacting their lives.
It gives clarity and perspective.
If everything is a crisis, then nothing is a crisis. Using the “pick which five” trick not only will help your kids know how to determine the size of a problem, but it will help you see the struggles of daily life more clearly. Running late for church is a five-minute problem and probably doesn’t deserve the same reaction as the five-day problem of a child putting a hole in the wall.
What situations have arisen in your home that could’ve used the “pick which five” trick?
