“That’s stupid!” he laughed. My daughter shrank back in her seat, picking up her fork. I glared at my son, whose smile lingered on his lips. “What?” he asked. “I didn’t say she was stupid. There’s a difference.” I disagreed. It didn’t matter whether he called her or her idea stupid. She’d internalized it. I could tell by her sad expression. But even if she laughed along with him, it’s possible she’d think about it later, and those hurtful words would leave a mark on her heart or her mind.
Sometimes kids toss words around like they don’t matter. And sometimes words sting more than we’ll ever know. That’s why we have to do our best to teach kids to watch what they say. Here are 5 ways to curb careless tongues and prevent hurtful words from being said at all.
1. Deliver immediate consequences.
When my kids started bickering on the way to school, I pulled over the car and told my son we don’t call names in our family. “We’re going to be late for school!” he said, ignoring me. But after a few moments with the car in park, he apologized to his sister. Kids need to know we take name-calling seriously. An immediate consequence puts a punctuation mark on the lesson, and hopefully he’ll remember it the next time he’s tempted to lash out.
2. Consider the words. Are they funny or hurtful?
Growing up, my sister and I joked around quite a bit. But once in a while, we’d touch a nerve. Sarcasm can sting. Making a friend or sibling the butt of a joke can leave a mark. If you or your husband like this form of humor, be careful not to let your kids get carried away with it. They may have a hard time knowing where to draw the line. And taking a joke too far could get them in trouble in class or cost them a friendship.
We also have to watch our words when we’re tempted to chime in when one of our kids says something negative about a teacher or another student. In those moments, we should try empathizing with our kids instead. “I’m sorry your teacher yelled at you. I’m sure that didn’t feel good.” Being more aware of what we say can reshape the way our kids talk to each other and about others.
3. Have your child counteract the damage.
Why is it that positive statements are more easily forgotten than negative ones? If your child says hurtful words to another child, he should follow up with three positive statements to try to repair the relationship. When my son called my daughter a “small fry,” he then had to come up with some kind words before I started the car. “You’re a good sister. I like playing with you. You’re good at drawing,” he said. Her face softened, and she forgave him.
4. Encourage positive interactions and acts of kindness.
“This girl Lindsay is talking all the time to my friend Rayna in class but not me,” my daughter said. I asked her if she’d tried to make friends with Lindsay. My daughter shook her head. The next day, she told me she’d complimented Lindsay on her shirt. It was a start. Being proactive about kindness can be hard no matter what age. But it gets easier with practice, and it directly opposes the urge to gossip and use hurtful words.
Being proactive about kindness can be hard no matter what age. But it gets easier with practice. Click To Tweet5. Use a visual example.
I held up a red paper heart and showed my kids. “Pretend you’ve said something mean to me.” I squeezed the paper heart in my hand. “What happened?” It got wrinkled. “Let’s say you apologized.” I smoothed out the paper in my palm. “All better?” I asked. “It’s still wrinkly,” they replied. I agreed. “Even a good ‘sorry’ isn’t going to make the heart all better. Can you think about that the next time you’re upset?”
Teaching our kids to hold back on saying mean things and hurtful words is where we want to start. Try this visual with them to help your kids see the effects of their words before they let them slip out and cause damage.
How can you help your kids practice kind words so they use hurtful words less?
