“Five mo-ah minutes?” Emma asked, clutching her plastic boat. Her big eyes met her mom’s. Her mom, my friend Nicole, said she couldn’t say no. “I told her two more minutes in the bath,” she said, “but it kinda turned into 10. Good thing she can’t tell time.” Yep. Once toddlers start talking, they learn pretty quickly how to get what they want.
The begging and pleading can wear you out! Even though it can be annoying, especially at the end of a long day, your toddler’s persistent negotiating has some powerful benefits. She’s developing these 5 amazing abilities, and it suddenly makes negotiating with kids sound not so bad.
1. Creativity
At the playground, my son quickly made a friend and together, they sat in the sandbox side by side. Even though I wanted to go home, I saw some cool things happening as they played. They took turns with the sand toys and worked together to build a really awesome… mountain of sand.
In a ScienceDaily study on 2- and 3-year olds, researchers found that toddlers used creativity, enthusiasm, and invention to negotiate with peers to get what they wanted. When my son offered the sand rake for the shovel, he got what he wanted in a peaceful way. Much better than grabbing (as has happened before)! Toddlers are learning how to negotiate at a young age, and they’re learning creative, peaceful approaches in the process through play.
Toddlers are learning how to negotiate at a young age, and they're learning creative, peaceful approaches in the process through play. Click To Tweet2. Confidence
“My turn!” Alex (not his real name) said during a playdate and snatched a crayon from my son’s hand. My son then let out a cry. Alex hadn’t negotiated well, and the result ended in conflict. Torgeir Alvestad from the study above says that “negotiations arising from disagreement involve play that is more about power, domination and manipulation.” So, Alex was still learning how to kindly get what he wanted.
When a toddler is able to resolve a problem with a friend, his negotiating success can give him confidence. Kids develop at different rates, so keep modeling the behavior you want him to learn if he’s not there just yet.
3. Social Skills
Three-year-old Emma likes to play with her big sister’s Barbies, but she’s learning not to take them without asking. “She’ll say, ‘Play ‘dis?’ And Sophie’ll let her. Most of the time,” my friend said. But it stresses Nicole out when they fight. “I feel guilty saying this, but sometimes I just want Emma to leave her sister alone.” I get it. But toddlers learn important social skills through play, and even with her limited vocabulary, Emma’s gaining experience negotiating and learning what works best.
Negotiation includes listening to another person and being able to reach a compromise. Nicole reports that Emma’s working on “pweeease?” Toddlers are learning social skills and the art of negotiating by working through problems.
4. Diligence
Have you read Mo Willems’s Knuffle Bunny? It’s not only a great picture book, but it taught me a new term that perfectly describes a child having a meltdown: boneless. As in, “She went boneless.” And I think all of us would agree that it’s no fun when it happens!
A toddler may have a meltdown if her negotiation skills aren’t giving her the result she wants. Teaching a child how to use her words is a better option. But persistent pleading and begging can get aggravating too! Just keep in mind that your child’s diligence will eventually pay off when she uses her words to negotiate with classmates, coaches, and teachers in a respectful way. Reward her use of words over meltdowns along with her ability to accept “no” when you’ve had enough.
5. Problem-Solving
“Stop begging,” I whispered into my child’s ear. “It’s time to go.” I hauled him up onto his feet, said goodbye to his new friend and walked him toward the car. Once buckled, he held out his arms for a hug. I sighed, the tension in my shoulders fading as his little body melted into my chest. Though he’d tried to negotiate for more play time and lost this round, he apparently didn’t want me mad at him. A hug helped solve that problem.
At the root of negotiation is problem-solving. Whether your toddler wants forgiveness, another bed-time story, five more minutes in the bath, or something else, he’s working on his problem-solving skills with those full-body hugs and polite requests using “pweease?” Sometimes, it’s just way too hard to say no.
Negotiating with kids—especially toddlers—can be an art. How do you help your little one learn to make compromises?
