My friend told me recently that her in-laws put her 2-year-old in their car one afternoon and drove 45 minutes on the highway to go shopping—all without my friend’s permission or knowledge. When she confronted them about it later, the response amounted to, “What’s the big deal?” She was so upset, and I don’t blame her. I would be too.
Being a new mom can be frustrating when we feel like we’re being judged and pressured to do things we don’t want to do. And it can come from all directions: friends, family, mommy content creators, social media, and even IRL strangers who feel the need to offer their two cents. Here are 7 situations when you might feel some pressure to fit a certain new-mom mold and why you don’t need to make any changes.
1. The Baby’s Schedule
When my first baby was born, a well-intentioned relative told me to get the baby on a schedule right away. But my son had trouble with his latch during breastfeeding. When he finally caught on several weeks later, he spent a long time on each side. By that point, I was just happy he could nurse and couldn’t care less about a schedule.
Go with your gut. A study that ran for three decades found that because babies’ temperaments vary, their sleeping and eating preferences do too. If scheduling works for you, do it. If you and your baby need something different, go for it. There is no one right cookie-cutter way to be a good mom.
2. Sleeping, Eating, Diapering
My second child would only fall asleep in the crook of my arm. So that’s how we made it work. A mom friend started her baby on solids at four months, another at nine. And all of us used cloth diapers. Those choices aren’t right for every mom, and what works for one child may not work for another.
Even with the same child, don’t be afraid to adjust or change things if they don’t go as planned. In fact, when you’re responsive to your child’s signals, you’re doing something positive for your baby that researchers identify as “sensitive caregiving behavior.”
3. The Preschool Dilemma
My son started preschool at 3 years old for a few hours a week. My daughter didn’t start until she was almost 5. My kids are very different, and I had to do what worked best for them. I also have a friend with four boys, and none of them went to preschool.
If you’re having fun with your kids at home, don’t feel pressured to send them to pre-K just because others are going. Preschool can also be pricey, and maybe it’s not in the budget. There’s no one-size-fits-all way of doing things when it comes to preschool.
4. The Playdate
When my daughter was three, she befriended a sweet girl at dance class, and they wanted to do everything together. But the friend’s mom pressured me to take my daughter places that weren’t safe because of my daughter’s food allergies. It was hard, but I had to say no quite a bit to the other mom’s playdate suggestions.
If it’s outside your comfort zone, don’t feel bad saying no. There are plenty of options, and if the other mom is your friend, she’ll respect your feelings. Plus, being assertive can reduce your stress, a benefit we can especially use in the new-mom days.
5. The Birthday Party
When my kids were little, it seemed everyone had big birthday parties. We went to one with pony rides. Another had a clown. A reptile guy came to a little boy’s party with cages of critters, and I remember standing outside a handful of bounce houses, praying each time that my kid wouldn’t get trampled.
When you throw a party for your little one, who are you trying to please? Remind yourself of what you value most—maybe it’s quality time with a handful of friends or sharing a meal with your immediate family. Do what feels right for you, not what you think other moms expect you to do. The foundational research on social comparison—that it makes us feel worse—still backs up that advice.
6. The Vacation
Whether you’re feeling pressured to take the baby on a cruise or to a family reunion two states away, remember your purpose is not to please others but rather to care for your baby. Sometimes, you have to just tell the person pressuring you, “Look, it’s not a good idea for us right now.”
Summon your strength and stay firm. Every mom is different, and just because someone else says a five-hour plane ride will be easy doesn’t mean it will be for you. You are the best mom for your baby, not someone else. And having confidence in that is good for your well-being.
7. The “Perfection-Only” Mindset
All moms want the best for their children. That’s why we put so much pressure on ourselves for every decision we make. But we can’t be perfect, and neither can our babies, so try not to feel responsible for every outcome. Even when we do everything “right,” babies have minds of their own! As one of my friends says, “Sometimes babies are gonna baby!”
Being a new mom isn’t easy. Do your best and move on. You’re doing great!
What are some other ways being a new mom comes with pressure to fit a certain mold?
