I stood on the playground during recess and watched two girls run toward a just-vacated swing. They reached it at the same time, gasping for breath, each set of hands grabbing a chain. Giggling, they paused for a moment and grinned at each other, neither one pushing her way onto the swing. Then, the dark-haired girl said, “You take it. I’ll wait for the next one.” A couple minutes later, another swing opened up and the dark-haired girl seized it. Side-by-side, the kids pumped their legs, climbing higher to the sky, their hair swinging behind them. How gracious, I thought.
Putting others first is a kindness we can all work on, but when we teach it to our kids, they grow in big ways. It’s natural to worry about others taking advantage of our kids when they put others before themselves, and that’s something kids should be aware of. But the risk may be worth it because putting others before yourself can benefit kids in these 3 very positive ways.
1. It builds their relationships.
Previously, prioritizing someone else’s interests might’ve been seen as a negative trait. But Ryan Byerly, a researcher at Sheffield University found that an “others-centered” person thinks his own interest is just as important as another’s but also places a “high value on interpersonal relationships.” In other words, a kid who says that “you can have the last cookie” may want the cookie too, but “acting generously outweighs the benefit of eating the cookie himself.” Being a good friend matters more than having the last sweet treat.
Does your child enjoy working with others? Does she value cooperation? Children grow and change at different speeds and if putting others first isn’t on her radar yet, that’s OK. Encourage skills like sharing and taking turns. Talk about how these things make another person feel. Then look for opportunities when she might initiate them on her own.
2. It builds their empathy and gratitude.
Some schools or church programs require acts of service. My kids have grumbled at times and not wanted to attend, but recently came home feeling pretty happy after an activity at our church. They spent the morning assembling toiletry bags for the homeless. A friend of mine who volunteered with the kids said they had a group discussion afterward. “Some kids asked who would receive these kits, and several kids mentioned being thankful for things like their families and homes. It was heartwarming to hear that,” she said.
We can encourage more empathy on a daily basis by asking questions that help kids put others before themselves. “How do you think Casey feels without a snack? How do you think he’d feel if you shared yours with him?” Your child may not want to give up half her snack, but if she can understand how her friend might be hungry and feel embarrassed, she’ll learn that putting others’ interests first can make her feel good too.
3. It fosters kindness.
My daughter came home from a club activity last night with a bag of mini muffins. She told my son, “Put these in your lunch tomorrow!” When I told her how kind that was, she beamed and patted her brother’s shoulder. If it were my free snack, I probably wouldn’t think to give it to someone else, but I could see she enjoyed giving him the muffins. As Byerly’s study suggests, putting others before yourself is a character strength and virtue when it makes a person feel good. It contributes to the giver’s well-being.
Providing kids opportunities to show kindness encourages them to think about how others feel. Click To TweetResearch from the National Library of Medicine has also shown that kindness boosts happiness. It just feels good! If you take a child grocery shopping, have her pick out something for her sibling or her dad. Then let her give it to him when you get home. Providing kids opportunities to show kindness encourages them to think about how others feel.
Putting others before yourself is a kindness. How can we encourage kids to think more about others?
