3 Reasons to Step in During Sibling Conflict

“I saw it online,” my friend said. “When they fight, you’re supposed to step back and let them figure it out. We’re not supposed to referee,” she concluded. I started to look for opportunities to try this approach. But whenever I did step back to pocket my referee whistle, things only seemed to get worse. Part of me kept thinking, They’re bound to figure it out! Another part of me was like, They’re going to kill each other.

If you’re uncertain what your role is when you see siblings fighting, here’s some new guidance that I’ve found helpful. Maybe you will too. In addition to avoiding bloodshed, there are 3 reasons you should step in.

1. You teach problem-solving and communication skills.

“She threw a Cheerio at me!” my son said. The kids had started squabbling at the breakfast table. “Because he won’t stop humming!” my daughter shot back. I despised these fights because they often felt so trivial. But I knew that both my kids needed to learn how to get along. So, I steeled myself and dug in.

The American Psychological Association (APA) says parents should “proactively coach young children on how to get along.” Your kids might pick up on some skills by watching you and your husband or classmates at school. But kids will get the most practice if you step in at home and actively teach how to resolve disagreements. The APA cites research by clinical psychologist Laurie Kramer that says, “[P]arents can help their children develop skills to manage sibling conflict by teaching them to express their points of view in a disagreement and actively solving problems with their kids to help them find solutions to their arguments.”

What do you do when siblings are fighting? Step in and have them take turns explaining what happened. From there, ask questions to see how they might come to a solution. What can each of you say or do to make things better? What can we do to move on from here?

2. You avoid unresolved conflicts.

Growing up, my mom told my sister and me that our friendship was like a garden. We had a lot of love for each other, but if we didn’t forgive each other after a fight, weeds would grow and damage our relationship. I could envision those ugly weeds causing a lot of destruction and didn’t like it. Because it made a big impact on me, I use this metaphor today with my own kids.

Like most friendships, sibling relationships take work. Click To Tweet

We want our children to be lifelong friends. But like most friendships, sibling relationships take work. Simply living under the same roof and eating at the same dinner table won’t make problems or hurt feelings go away. The APA says, “When siblings are left to sort out problems on their own, they’re likely to continue fighting—and that unresolved conflict can intensify, potentially leading to sibling bullying or aggression.”

When you have siblings fighting, you want it to end fast. Help them move past name-calling and yelling by coaching them to express their feelings. You could start by giving your child the words: “You hurt my feelings when you laughed at me.” “It makes me angry when you pinch me.” Use the metaphor of the weeds in the garden to explain the damage these hurtful words and actions do.

3. You provide opportunities for your kids to practice empathy, humility, and giving grace.

When I hear my kids arguing, I honestly want to run in the other direction. But I know avoidance won’t solve their ongoing problems. Instead, I realize I need to seize the moment. My kids’ fights give me the perfect opportunity to teach them social skills they’ll use for life.

To encourage humility, we can ask our children to apologize for their part in the fight. To practice empathy, we should help them see the argument from the other child’s perspective. How do you think he felt when you called him stupid? And though it’s a difficult thing for people of all ages, we should teach our kids to give others grace. Maybe she didn’t sleep well last night. Can we give your sister some grace?

If you’d like a visual, download this free printable: 5 Ways to Encourage Sibling Love.

Some parents believe hugging it out works after a sibling conflict. What tips do you have to share?