“But you see,” I said to the teacher as I circled toward my daughter’s desk. “She holds her pencil wrong. She uses four fingers, and her thumb isn’t bent.” I hoped the teacher would step in and correct my daughter and show her the proper technique. But instead, the veteran teacher gave a slight shrug and said, “So what? It looks like it works.” I was dumbfounded! Inside, I thought, But it’s not the right way! Help me out here! Instead, I buttoned my lips. But my mind was whirring.
I went home confounded by this teacher’s response. In my mind, there was a right way and a wrong way. And she’d basically said the wrong way was OK. I thought and thought about her comment and ultimately decided to give her approach a try. I realized by controlling too much of what my daughter did, I might be hurting more than helping her. I decided to try to loosen my own grip on several things. It’s been a process, and I’m still working on it, but I believe we’ve all benefitted from me taking a step back and not micromanaging everything my kids do. Think you can do it? Let’s work on it together. Here are 5 reasons you should stop trying to control everything your kids do.
1. Self-esteem and confidence take a nosedive.
What happens when we treat our children as if they’re incapable of doing things for themselves? They start to believe it. “I can’t do anything right!” Have you heard this before from your child? If we want our kids to develop self-esteem, we can’t nitpick everything they do or they’ll give up. I used to demand perfection with the way my son held his violin when he was little. He got so discouraged that he quit, which is not at all what I wanted. It’s better for our children to persevere and get things not quite perfect than for us to criticize and crush their spirits. Giving them permission to get things done “almost right” will go a long way in building their confidence.
2. Stress skyrockets.
I definitely don’t want to add to my child’s stress. But it happens if I try to control too much of my son’s time. I wanted him to play outside after school the other day, but he wanted to finish his homework first. As much as I thought a break from schoolwork would be better, exerting my preference wasn’t the right course. So, I backed off. As long as he got outside sometime before bed, I reasoned, it shouldn’t matter when. And he did.
Mapping out every minute of our kids’ days can stress them out, or at the very least, make them very unhappy. Stress can also lead to anxiety and depression. As moms, we need to be aware of when we’re putting too much on our kids.
3. Creativity disappears.
I heard on a podcast recently that we need downtime to experience boredom because with boredom comes creativity. If overscheduled, kids have no downtime to find their own interests or make choices about how to spend their time.
I don’t want my kids getting into things they shouldn’t, so it makes sense to have a finger on the pulse of their activities. But on the days my daughter’s not running off to soccer practice, she’s been drawing in her room and I’m amazed by some of her pieces. I’ve learned that kids need balance to provide time to dream.
4. Fear of failure creeps in.
My son is headed to high school next year and I’d like him to join the cross-country team. He says he isn’t fast enough. I told him it doesn’t matter; I just want him to get out there and meet new people. But I’ve told myself not to push it.
Encouraging him to try something new—not insisting—will show my child that he has a choice. No pressure. In my book, if he joins the team, he’s already won, simply by showing up. If not, there will be other opportunities down the road.
5. Self-reliance suffers.
At what age do we stop picking out our kids’ clothes or their free-time activities? We obviously don’t want our kids calling us from college to ask what they should wear to class. But kids who aren’t used to doing these things for themselves are not developing self-reliance and important decision-making skills.
Once we stop trying to control everything our kids do, they start figuring out who they are as the unique individuals God made them.
Once we stop trying to control everything our kids do, they start figuring out who they are as the unique individuals God made them. Click To TweetIn what part of your child’s life is it hard for you to stop trying to control everything?
