“I can’t believe I forgot about this,” my kid said, crouched beside his school bag. He held the homework sheet in his hands, shaking his head. “But it’s too late now,” he continued. “I could fall asleep on the kitchen floor.” I sympathized, knowing he’d had a busy night. “Why don’t you talk to your teacher tomorrow? Maybe she’ll give you an extension,” I suggested. My son raked his hand through his hair. “She’ll never do that.” Then he gave me a dozen reasons why. But the next day, he hopped in the car after school, a satisfied grin curling his lips. “Got another day,” he said. It turned out he’d summoned his nerve and had been granted an extension. How did he go from being so discouraged to getting what he wanted?
As parents, we don’t always know the right thing to say in the moment, but we can offer our kids something valuable. Teaching hope to kids is a powerful but underused parenting tool. Here’s why it’s important and how to do it.
When Kids Don’t Have Hope
Have you seen a kid who, in the moment, looks hopeless? Maybe his team’s down by three runs in the last inning and he says, “We’re never going to win.” Or she’s so confused by her homework that she turns in a blank page because “it’s too hard.” Or maybe you’ve seen a kid who doesn’t want to go to school because “no one likes me.” For whatever reason, we’ve all witnessed our kids experiencing moments of self-doubt that look like they’re giving up hope. They resign themselves to the notion that nothing will change. Kids who are hopeless also have a harder time standing up for themselves because to them, there’s no chance of anything turning out differently.
When Kids Do Have Hope
Educational psychologist Michelle Borba says, “Hope is what energizes [kids] to stay mentally strong during tough times, and it’s what sets them apart from those who give up easily.” Research in the Handbook of Resilience in Children also found that hopefulness can reduce childhood anxiety and depression. That’s enough for me to want to teach it to my kids! Kids who have hope look forward to the future instead of dwelling on the past. They have a more positive outlook in life.
Kids who have hope look forward to the future instead of dwelling on the past. Click To TweetKids with hope say things like, “I’ll do better on the next quiz.” They think improvement, change, and anything else is possible. They might also say, “How can I get better?” Another thing a hopeful child can do is assert himself and what he wants. He might say something like, “I’d like the purple popsicle, please!” Kids who have hope face adversity with more strength and resilience. They believe in silver linings and that the sun will come out tomorrow.
How to Encourage It
For a time, my son went through a rough patch at school and everything he said sounded negative. I ended up getting him a gratitude journal. After a few months of writing in it, his negative attitude noticeably lifted. In a recent study from Hope College, researchers found that gratitude was linked to a feeling of hopefulness. They found that more than any other trait (including forgiveness and patience), being grateful was the highest predictor of a person’s hope and happiness.
Hope is teachable, Borba says. Point out your kids’ negativity when it’s happening because “pessimism eats away at hope.” Borba suggests a cue like tugging your ear to let kids know they’re being negative. And when your child shows optimism, no matter how small, acknowledge and applaud it: “What a great attitude!”
We can also encourage hope by using hopeful words (“I hope it’s sunny tomorrow so we can go to the beach!”), relating hopeful stories (“Someone took down the missing dog poster. She must’ve been found!”), and celebrating victories no matter how small (“You got out of bed quicker today! Awesome!”). We can also teach kids to be assertive, which Borba says “increases hopefulness and agency.”
Teaching hope is possible. How do you plan to teach hope to your kids?
