My bleary-eyed, youngest son emerged from his bedroom wearing red shorts and his favorite orange shirt—faded and worn out. “Nope, the clothes next to your bed are for picture day,” I instructed while motioning for him to turn around and get re-dressed. He instantly melted into a puddle of tears and protests. “Why can’t I wear my favorite shirt for picture day?”
Without much deliberation, I had a change of heart and let him wear what he wanted. I didn’t want him to think he got his way for melting, so I made it about identifying times when his preference could hold more weight than mine. It was easy to make this one of those times. But what other times do you give kids a say? Here are 5 times it’s worth considering our kids’ opinions and how much those opinions should matter.
Friends
Making friends isn’t easy for everyone, and kids often make friends out of convenience and proximity. Age and experience make discerning green, yellow, and red light friends easier; but at a certain point, moms don’t get much say in who our kids are friends with.
How much weight? Our kids’ opinions hold most of the weight at school, but the weight shifts to us regarding hangouts, sleepovers, and how much time they spend with friends. The value of friends who are good influences cannot be overstated, so it’s worthwhile to stay aware and involved in this area.
Food
I’ve tried olives dozens of times, and I haven’t found a single way to make them palatable. If someone forced me to eat them, I wouldn’t be happy. Yet, I’ve required my kids to retry food they don’t like because tastes can change, and I don’t want them to stop trying new things.
How much weight? It totally depends on the circumstances, but flexibility within the boundaries you set for them is probably your best bet. Provide options that allow kids to make personal and (mostly) balanced choices regarding what they eat.
Extracurriculars and Electives
Middle school was the first time my kids had a say in their elective courses. I allowed them to have complete say, but I second-guessed myself after observing that many other parents still made that decision for their kids.
I always coordinated and encouraged extracurriculars until the day my son definitively told me he was done with soccer. Debating him felt coercive and disrespectful, so we hung up the cleats at the end of that season.
How much weight? By middle school, our kids’ opinions should hold significant weight—especially about activities that directly impact them or their future. Electives and extracurriculars are great places for kids to explore their interests, make new friends, and take some ownership of their schedules.
Style
My daughter wears black leggings almost daily, and my son only wears athletic clothes. These wardrobe choices are easy to support, but I have many friends who are struggling to keep their kids in line with the school dress code.
How much weight? Provide clear boundaries, and give them full agency after that. Their style also extends to how our kids decorate their bedrooms. If you don’t want them filling up every bedroom wall with Pokémon art, maybe they can have one wall to call their own.
School
This isn’t a question of whether attending school is optional, but you may have multiple options: public, private, homeschool, charter, magnet, virtual, or choice. In the last decade, our family has experienced six of those options, with different reasons at different times. Only recently did my kids’ opinions get added to the mix of our decision-making process.
How much weight? Most decisions in families rest on the parents, but if more than one good option exists, let your kids’ opinions hold some weight. You might be surprised to learn the factors most important to them.
Most decisions in families rest on the parents, but if more than one good option exists, let your kids' opinions hold some weight. Click To TweetIn what area of parenting do you struggle with giving up control?
