In working with divorced families, I find that as soon as separation or divorce is in the equation, parents stop hearing each other very well. Parents don’t often try to understand the other side because unresolved issues get in the way. A once-romantic relationship changes (too often) to hostile, competitive, and destructive. No communication happens at all. That’s when divorce’s effects on children can become even more severe.
So I asked many single fathers what they wish their children’s mothers knew. Some of their answers surprised me. Here are 10 things divorced dads wish their exes knew.
1. I bring value.
I bring something to our child’s life that only a father can bring.
As soon as separation or divorce is in the equation, parents stop hearing each other very well. Click To Tweet2. I am hurting.
When I am not with our child, I feel pain, even if it looks like I don’t.
3. I want to maximize every moment.
I don’t want to be Disney Dad, but if I only have our child for four days a month, discipline is not on top of my list of things to do.
4. We are still a team.
I am not the enemy, wish we could co-parent in a civil way, and I pray for you regularly.
5. I want to be included.
The more you include me in my child’s life when I’m not around, the less time I spend trying to force myself into my child’s life.
6. I see the big picture.
I know your intentions are good to provide for our child, but what she really needs is for us to raise her in Christ and give her more love than stuff.
7. I appreciate you.
I am thankful every day that you stay engaged with me to co-parent.
8. I still care.
Families change, but love can remain.
9. I am fair.
I’m trying to be less controlling of what goes on when I am not with my child.
10. I am trying my best.
I am trying to move on from the heartache of our separation in a healthy way.
I understand that real pain occurs when relationships end. Dream-filled families suddenly turn into nightmares and war zones. I know the pain is real, and I know the anger and hostility are often justified. These pain points must be acknowledged and processed in order to get to a healthier communication pattern that helps the children instead of hurts the children. I always recommend that parents seek other adults to have these hard conversations with. They should find someone with a level head who can help navigate the pain so it does not spill out on the children.
If you missed these 10 Things Kids of Divorce Wish They Could Say To Their Parents, please take a look.
What can you do to give your children the freedom to love their father, not because you like him but because you love your kids?
Tammy Daughtry, MMFT is an author of the book, Co-parenting Works! Helping Your Children Thrive after Divorce as well as the creator of the DVD, One Heart, Two Homes: Co-parenting Kids of Divorce to a Positive Future.
