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3 Things Teens Want and Need From Their Moms

When I was 15, my mother jokingly told me she wished she could send me away to a boarding school until I was 18. I wanted all the things teens want: freedom, respect, esteem. I was strong-willed, and I thought I had everything figured out. On the one hand, I didn’t like being told what to do. On the other hand, I was insecure. I was ignorant of my dependence on my mom and too proud to admit I needed her. Sound like a teen you know?

Now, as a mom, it’s easy to forget how I felt in those years. I try to remember that my rebellious, teenage brain was saying “Back off!” but my heart was saying something different. The words might come out differently, but here are 3 things teens want and need from their moms.

1. “I need to know I am good enough.”

I’m dealing with the pressure of comparison at school. There is always someone else who gets more attention from boys, better grades, has more friends, or performs better at sports. I often feel insignificant and unwanted. I need you to tell me what makes me valuable. I need you to tell me, often, who I am and what I offer the world.

I need you to tell me you love me, a lot. I need to know that even though I act like I want you to stay away, I really need you to pursue me and let me know you want me near. I need to know you think I have what it takes to be a success in life. Don’t make me prove it first. Give me room to make mistakes and to learn from them. It’s better that I make a smaller mistake under your care than a larger mistake when I move out.

2. “I want to be understood.”

I need you to really listen to me when I try to tell you how I feel about things. I am a mass of confusing thoughts, feelings, and mixed-up hormones. One day I will think one way and the next day another. Resist the urge to correct me or discount my feelings. I’ll figure it out eventually. Really let me know you are listening, but don’t react in astonishment to anything I say. If I have it all wrong, sometimes it’s best to wait a couple of days before you bring the subject back up. Then you can present me with another viewpoint. I may have already changed my mind by then.

If my opinions are outrageously outside our family’s core values, then share your heart with me in a way that doesn’t make me feel small. Don’t let me see that you’re afraid of my thought processes. That will communicate to me that I am incapable of thinking for myself. I probably don’t even believe what I’m saying to you. I could be just trying it out like a new hairstyle. Trust that the core values you’ve taught me my whole life will win in the end.

3. “Give me limits even though I fight you on them.”

I hate having rules. I want to be independent and make my own choices about my life. But I am also really terrified about being responsible for myself. I need to know that there are limits. I need to know that when I push back, throw a fit, sneak around, or blow you off, there are consequences. This shows me that even with my freedom, I can really only go so far.

If I prove to be trustworthy, give me some more room, but not too much. As a teen, I may not be able to express my gratitude for your steadfastness in discipline, but I feel safe because of it. 

What are some other things teens want or need but might not say?

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