A week ago, several members of the high school football team in my community got suspended for vaping. A friend told me one of those kids then threw a party while on suspension and ended up passing out from drinking. He’s 15. It makes me sad to hear stories like this one. But it also makes me wonder how the kids got access to the alcohol. Did the parents buy it? Were any adults home during the party? A 15-year-old kid doesn’t have the maturity to always make the healthiest choices for himself. But his parents do.
Saying “no” to a kid and being the heavy isn’t fun. But it’s our job. We must have boundaries so our kids learn how to make good choices. What type of parent are you? If you’re present, hold your kids accountable for bad behavior, and they know you still love them, you’re probably doing a great job. But we should also be wary of slipping into one these 4 dangerous parenting styles.
1.“Buddy Buddy” Parents
Sharing clothes with my daughter is a huge perk! But I still expect her to do what I tell her. If she starts to argue too much with my authority, it’s a cue for me to pull back and make sure I’m being a parent more than a friend.
In her book, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, Vicki Courtney says “buddy buddy” parents are a problem for kids. With this parenting style, parents “are more focused on being their child’s friend than their parent and will often attempt to avoid conflict in an effort to stay in favor with their child.” This confuses kids because we’re supposed to be the ones setting the rules and making the hard decisions. Buddy-buddy parents give in to their kids more than they stay firm. Courtney says this often leads to low self-esteem in kids—not what we want!
2.“Too Busy to Care” Parents
I admit that sometimes I just want the kids in bed so I can hang out with my husband and watch TV. Work is draining and so is parenting! But kids grow up so fast. When I’m feeling harried, I try to remind myself (and my hubby) that late nights working on school projects and running the kids here and there for clubs and practices won’t be forever.
“Too busy to care” parents don’t save much time or energy for their kids. Parenting falls to the bottom of their to-do list. And they often don’t get to it. Courtney writes that these parents “put aside parenting and only address critical issues as they arise, often reacting only after the damage has been done.” Instead, check in with your kids daily. Find time to sit with them and listen to whatever they have to say. Show them that they are your priority. Don’t fall into this parenting style, even for a season!
Find time to sit with your kids and listen to whatever they have to say. Click To Tweet3.“Too Tuned Out to Notice” Parents
My friend told me that when she was young, her parents never seemed to know when she got home at night. Her friends thought her parents were cool for letting her do whatever she wanted because her parents said they “trusted” her. But in truth, my friend said with sadness, “They just couldn’t be bothered.”
According to Courtney, while being laid back can be positive, “it can also be a detriment if it results in few boundaries and little, if any, boundary enforcement.” Kids who have parents who take the time to set and enforce rules let their kids know they matter. Instead of always giving your child the benefit of the doubt or saying things like “kids will be kids,” pay attention to what they do. Not noticing what your child is up puts too much responsibility on the child to stay safe and she could end up getting hurt in more ways than one.
4. “Living Through My Kid to Feel Better About Myself” Parents
Do you feel important when your child succeeds? And lousy when he doesn’t? Be careful with this parenting style. I’ve had to catch myself here and there because it’s an easy trap to fall into. If your kids’ successes and failures impact how you feel about yourself, this can lead to an unhealthy relationship. A “Living Through My Kid” parent pours all her energy into her kids’ performance with little interest in their kids’ emotional well-being. She does whatever she can to prevent failure and mistakes from happening—often at the expense of the child.
Courtney advises that if your child fails, don’t take it personally. Don’t blame the teacher, coach, or child. Instead, talk to the child and see how he feels. Through prayer, we can ask God for the strength and wisdom to provide the right balance of support and guidance to be the best parents we can to our kids.
Are there other dangerous parenting styles that aren’t mentioned here?
