Parenting teenagers comes with some unexpected promotions. The older my kids get, the more often I have to remind myself that loving them well doesn’t mean saying yes to every request, absorbing every mood, or making life comfortable at my own expense.Â
I love having teenagers. I really do. I’m happy to be the “stay up until they get home” mom and the “let them sleep until noon” mom. But there are a few roles I’m choosing not to take on because they get in the way of the kind of relationship I want to have with my teenagers. Here are 5 roles I think moms of teenagers should think twice before taking on.
1. I am not an Uber driver.
I’ve seen my son’s friends pull up in a car driven by their mom, the boys in the back seat, earbuds in, tuned into their phones, and tuned out to Mom. Not in my car. When we’re driving together, the phone is not the focus or an escape from interacting with me. In fact, a car ride is a prime opportunity for connection—one I’m not willing to miss out on.
Be a Conversation Starter: Some of the best parenting happens between Point A and Point B. Protect that time together. Teens (especially boys) often find it easier to talk side-by-side rather than face-to-face. So go ahead and bridge those more difficult topics. We’ve got the questions teed up for you.
2. I am not a verbal punching bag.
Teenagers’ emotions can feel very big to them, and when they’re in the grip of these intense feelings, it can be difficult for them to control their actions. It’s my job to teach them how to process their feelings without going on the attack. I won’t brush off disrespectful or hurtful words as just a phase.
Be an Emotions Coach: Big feelings are part of the teenage years. Use those heated moments to teach your teen that while every emotion is valid, not every reaction is. When everyone has calmed down, help your teen identify what she was feeling and how she can express it more respectfully next time.
3. I am not a banker.
Spending money has never been easier. Tap. Click. Done. Whether it’s grabbing coffee, ordering food, or buying something online, it’s easy for teenagers to spend money without ever handing over a dollar bill. And that includes those $7.99 and $12.99 monthly subscriptions that ding your credit card every month.
Be a Money Mentor. One of our jobs as moms of teenagers is to help them make the connection between working and spending. Look for age-appropriate opportunities for them to earn money and make decisions about how they save and spend it. One of my kids has had many part-time jobs. My other child is less motivated to work. That means she’ll either have to get a job or do extra chores at home.
4. I am not a personal assistant (or a reminder app).
I like doing things for my children, and truthfully, I could’ve done a better job in training them to do more things for themselves. So, I try to be aware of when I cross the line and act like a maid or an assistant instead of a mom. This is a hard one if you love to serve, but it’s a disservice to your kids not to allow them to help themselves.
Be a Life Skills Trainer. Look for opportunities to teach your teen the everyday skills they’ll need instead of stepping in to do them yourself. Start with these 10 life skills every teen should know before leaving home.
5. I am not the cool mom.
My kids have called me “the strict mom” and “the weird mom” but never the cool mom! I’d rather my children see me as stable, mature, and predictable. I think they know that I’ll always try to base my decisions on what is best for them, even if it makes me look out of step with the cooler moms.
Be the Mom Your Teen Needs: Decades of research have found that teenagers thrive when parents combine warmth with clear expectations. So don’t be afraid to make the unpopular (or uncool) decision. Your teen may not always like your boundaries, but he’ll benefit from knowing he is loved enough to have them.
Which role do you think is the biggest challenge for moms of teenagers today?
