“Why can’t these kids just be kind to each other?” That’s what I thought on many days as I taught seventh-grade English. Maybe I was naive, but I was often shocked by how cruel some girls could be to each other. Of course, I understood that there were many layers to the causes of this type of girl bullying, often called relational aggression, and I would step in as often as I could.
Dr. Cheryl Dellasega and Dr. Charisse Nixon, the authors of Girl Wars: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying, say that when “girls encounter relational aggression, it’s difficult for them to know how to process and navigate it. They need our wisdom and, especially, our emotional support.”
They write that girls may feel isolated and alone, regardless of whether they are victims, bystanders, or aggressors in relational aggression. A girl might have low self-esteem and feel different from other girls. If your daughter is going through something like this, you have a very important role as her mom and can provide the support she needs. Here are 5 ways to support your daughter emotionally.
1. Emphasize her strengths.
When I witnessed mean-girl behavior, I noticed that the recipient of it often appeared more hurt than angry, almost as if they saw something valid in the attack. Dellasega and Nixon say that’s not uncommon: “A natural tendency is for the victim, in particular, to blame themselves or feel they deserve the aggression they receive from another girl.” They go on to say that when you ”identify and compliment [your daughter] on her strengths, rather than belittling her for responding inappropriately or feeling overwhelmed by the hurt, you give her important support.”
When you focus on your daughter’s strengths, you give her the agency to make a difference in her own situation and the mean-girl dynamic by choosing her response. Also stay aware of the top three pressures teen girls face. Knowing what they are will help you offer your daughter the emotional support she needs.
2. Share your stories.
“Believe it or not, girls like to hear stories about their parents as children,” write the authors in Girl Wars. They say girls want to know their mothers endured the same things when they were growing up. Your daughter can gain strength from hearing how you handled bullying in your own life, and this can support her emotionally.
3. Have older girls share their wisdom.
While it’s good for us to share our past experiences involving girl bullying, hearing from older girls is even more helpful for our daughters, write Dr. Dellasega and Dr. Nixon. “These girls can still remember the hurt of being an aggressor, bystander, or victim quite clearly, but they often have the insight to provide concrete solutions that can work.
The authors add that this type of sharing is best in a forum setting with adult supervision. (You can look for mentor-type girls in groups your daughter is already a part of, girls she knows from her involvement in sports, church, or other activities.)
4. Stay connected.
Staying connected to your daughter is one of the most powerful ways to help her if she does encounter social and relational bullying. “Even when it seems your girl doesn’t want you to be a part of her life ever again, it’s important to maintain a strong connection with her. Parents—and mothers in particular—are the people girls feel most secure expressing their anger and frustration to after being sucked into a relational aggression behavior dynamic. In the midst of a peer-saturated environment, parents ground a girl and provide a safe haven. While a girl may push away, underneath, she still considers Mom the leading source of comfort and support.”
Here are 50 ways to connect with your daughter.
5. Don’t take it personally.
When your daughter is struggling with relational aggression, she may not always welcome your attempts to comfort her. iMOM founder Susan Merrill has three daughters. She says moms “must maintain a connection” with their girls “even in difficult seasons” and be an emotional support for them.
So if your daughter responds to your attempts to comfort her by slamming her bedroom door in your face, don’t give up and don’t take rejection personally. Sometimes, not talking about the bullying situation immediately, but taking time to go to a movie, watch a show, or do something fun together, can open the door for a later conversation. Susan talks about how to be available for those conversations in this article, where she shares the five ways she’s tried to create a strong mother-daughter bond with her own girls.
How have you given your daughter emotional support when dealing with girl bullying?
