Have you ever had your child express an interest in something, and you thought right away that it wouldn’t end well? I remember when my son excitedly told me he wanted to try skateboarding: “I know I’ll be good at it, Mom! It looks so cool.” I like to think my husband and I aren’t discouraging parents, but at that time, I was.
I crushed his little dream by overreacting with what-ifs. “What if you fall and hit your head? What if the other boys talk you into trying a trick that’s too hard for you? What if you spend your money on a board and then you don’t like skateboarding?” I could tell by the look on his face that he was crushed.
None of us set out to be discouraging parents. We love our kids fiercely. But in the busyness of life—juggling work, household demands, and our own stress—we sometimes react without thinking. These unintentional moments can hurt our kids and create distance in our relationship. Here are 7 ways even great moms accidentally discourage their teens (and how to start encouraging instead).
1. We’re overly critical.
I’ve seen this one unfold in my own home. A child, who shall remain nameless, watches shows that only a kid could love. His parent (who may or may not be me) sits down beside him to watch too and starts commenting: “That show has a lot of violence. Not a lot of dialogue, huh? How can people watch this stuff?”
Even if we can’t fathom why our kids like certain things, criticizing what they like puts a wedge in our relationship and makes them feel misunderstood.
Encourage your teen instead: Show genuine curiosity about what your teen loves. Ask: “What do you like most about this show?” or “Which character is your favorite?” When you ask questions to understand why something matters to your teen, you grow closer.
2. We speak for them.
Let’s say somebody asks your teen a question. He hesitates, so you jump in. Instead, we should wait and let silence fill the air. Try not to say, “Oh, he’s just shy.” If we rescue our teens, they’ll think we don’t believe in their ability to speak for themselves.
Adolescence is when kids are figuring out who they are and learning to stand on their own two feet. Research about teens and social media use shows that teens who develop a clear sense of self have higher self-esteem and better communication skills. These are the exact skills our teens need to build during these critical years. When we jump in and answer for them, we rob them of opportunities to practice the very capabilities they’re trying to develop.
Encourage your teen instead: Give your teen time to find the words, even if it feels awkward. A simple smile or gentle nod toward your teen signals that you’re handing over the mic.
3. We spotlight their insecurities.
Discouraging parents make this blunder when they’re out of touch with what’s going on in their kids’ lives. One teenage girl I know was feeling insecure about not having more friends. Her dad, seeing her at home on a weekend night, asked, “So you’re not doing anything tonight? Do you have anyone to hang out with besides Ava?” Ouch.
Encourage your teen instead: Pay attention to what’s happening emotionally in your teen’s life. When you sense insecurity, don’t call it out. Instead, create space for a heart connection. Invite him to grab coffee, take a drive, or binge a show together. If your teen isn’t up for it, send one of these encouraging texts instead.
4. We miss obvious chances to be with them.
We can’t be with our children 24/7—we have to work, we have to run the house, we have to sleep! But when you do have a choice between scrolling through your phone and playing a video game with your teen, play the game. Every minute we get to spend with them is a chance to shape them, guide them, and show them love.
Encourage your teen instead: Make yourself available during those random late-night moments when teens suddenly want to talk. These are often the times they’ll open up about what’s really going on. Your undivided attention encourages your teen to keep turning to you.
5. We push too hard.
It’s so tough to know when to push and when to pull back. Do I allow my kids to have a choice in matters? Do I push them because their success will make me look good? Or, do I push for the right reasons—because I want to teach them to not quit, to use their gifts to help others, and to develop perseverance? Before we push, we need to examine why we’re pushing.
Encourage your teen instead: Check your motives and ask yourself whose dream you’re really pursuing. Sometimes the most encouraging thing you can do is give your teen permission to try something new, even if it means stepping back from something your teen has done for years.
6. We don’t push hard enough.
Here’s the flip side. One goal of parenting is to raise good adults. So, along the way, we turn more and more of their lives over to them. We become careless when we don’t push hard enough on the big things. For example, if we know that a child needs to make an A in a class to have the GPA required for a program she really wants to be a part of, we need to push and stay involved to keep her on track. At times like these, our children are too immature to understand the consequences of their actions or inaction.
Encourage your teen instead: Stay invested in the goals that truly matter to your teen. Help her break big objectives into manageable steps and check in regularly on her progress. Ask: “How can I best support you right now?” This shows (and tells) you believe in your teen’s dreams and her ability to achieve them.
7. We don’t act our age.
One of the guiding principles that will prevent us from becoming discouraging parents is to remember who we are—the adults in the parent-child relationship. It’s on us to avoid childish and unkind behavior that can crush our children, like name-calling, screaming, and disrespect. We need to model conflict resolution, resiliency, and kindness to others.
Encourage your teen instead: Model the emotional maturity you want to see in your teen. When you mess up, apologize. When conflict arises, work through it with respect and self-control. Your example teaches your teen how adults handle difficult moments.
We want to be aware of our careless tendencies so we can avoid becoming discouraging parents. What advice do you have that can help me and other moms?
