My parents divorced when I was three. When I was 10 years old, my mother decided she wanted me to attend a group therapy session for children coping with divorce. I told her I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t have a choice. Even though she was trying to help me, it was the wrong approach, because group therapy wasn’t what I needed. It would have helped me more if my mother had chosen to go to therapy and work through her own issues. Her anger and bitterness toward my father made things even harder for me, and therapy may have helped her work through those feelings so I didn’t get the brunt of them.
All parents going through divorce wonder how best to help their children who are coping with divorce. Here are 3 specific ideas from a Focus on the Family guide called Helping Children Survive Divorce.
1. Take care of yourself.
First, be sure you are taking care of yourself. While your own pain may make it difficult to keep up with your gym routine or getting enough sleep, you need to be in good physical and emotional health to take care of your kids. Confide in wise friends who can help you through the pain, or consider talking with a professional counselor. You may even find a support group for single mothers through a local church or community organization.
When you’re coping with divorce, it’s tempting to spend more money on your kids and give them whatever they ask for, but what’s best is for you to have financial stability. Set boundaries for spending, and say no to outrageous requests. You’ll have more peace, and your kids will benefit from it.
2. Process the pain.
Help your children process their emotions by letting them talk things out and ask questions. If your younger children can’t express themselves verbally, have them draw or act out with toys what they are feeling. Encourage them to be honest with you and listen even when they say things you don’t want to hear, such as they miss their dad, who you may still be angry with.
Be patient with your children as they cope with their losses. Give them lots of hugs. Spend one-on-one time with them if you can. If your children seem to have difficulties handling their anger, and are acting out through tantrums or destructive behavior, seek the help of a counselor. You may also want to talk with a counselor if your child displays depressive symptoms for longer than two weeks.
3. Remove some pressure.
Don’t put too much pressure on your kids. Children of divorce often have to grow up too quickly because of added responsibilities around the house, like chores and taking care of younger siblings. Some of that is unavoidable, but try to let them be kids as often as possible. You may also face the temptation of wanting to confide too much or vent to your kids. While two-way communication is good, overburdening your kids with talk of painful adult relationships is not. As much as you will depend on your kids in new ways after the divorce, make sure your kids have time to play, be silly, and feel loved by you!
What things have been most helpful to your kids?
