“The sensei told me Adam doesn’t have much self-esteem,” my friend said, as we waited for our boys to finish class. “He might be right.” Her forehead creased, and I listened as she talked through our karate instructor’s assessment. Self-esteem is essentially how you value yourself. A child with low self-esteem lacks confidence and may feel unworthy. If you’re worried your child has low self-esteem, there are things you can do to build it up.
You might recognize healthy self-esteem in your child if he seems happy with who he is and has confidence in what he can do. We all want this for our kids. But not every child has it, especially when they’re young. Here are 5 things you can start doing right now to build healthy self-esteem in your kids.
1. Instead of criticism, use words to encourage.
As moms, we’re constantly teaching our kids things—everything from multiplication tables to good manners. But how we do it matters quite a bit. If you feel like you’re getting frustrated or overly critical with your child, take a break. Try again when you’re both calm, rested, and and not hungry. When you come back together, choose words that acknowledge you see your child trying: Yes, that’s it. Keep it up. Understanding what he’s going through will go a long way in building a positive relationship and his self-esteem too.
Take action: Praise his perseverance. And be OK with mistakes. If you’re a perfectionist, go easy on your child. Instead of using words that can bring him down, choose words that lift him up. Hey, I know this is difficult. But you’re making progress. I love how you’re trying really hard!
2. Help your child succeed with age-appropriate challenges.
Here’s a bit of advice someone once told me: set challenges for your kid that are age-appropriate but also not too hard or too easy. There has to be a little struggle before the win. This way, she’ll feel like she achieved something hard. What would be a good challenge for your child? Try to think of one or two to do each week. These wins will build up over time, and you know what that does for her self-esteem? Yep. It grows.
Take action: Cheer your child on as she puts in the effort with each new challenge. Some challenges could be completing a puzzle, packing her own lunch, learning how to dribble a basketball, or inviting a friend over to play. Use AI to help you come up with more ideas for your child.
3. Allow space for him to discover his own interests.
Like many parents, I signed my kids up for a lot of activities when they were little with the hope that they’d discover what they liked. I didn’t realize my son enjoyed reading way more than playing baseball until the spring we missed Little League registration. To my surprise, he used his free time that season to devour books—not play catch. I realized it mattered more for his self-esteem to see himself as a (strong) reader than a (so-so) baseball player.
Take action: When you give your child a chance to explore his own interests, it can help him figure out who he is and build his confidence. What activity could you give up this season in exchange for more free time for your child? If you were to guess, what do you think he’d like to do with more time after school or on the weekends?
4. Accept your child for who she is.
Your child may not be the athlete you thought she’d be. Or she may not have a knack for math—despite her effort. Whatever it is, be patient with her and accept her for who she is. She may not succeed in the areas you want her to, but she is her own person with her own unique gifts. When a child thinks she can’t live up to her parent’s high standards, it can affect her self-esteem.
Take action: Embrace your child’s individuality. Celebrate the things that make her special—her kindness, her creativity, her humor. Doing so will let her know that her value isn’t tied to her achievements, but rather, in being who God made her to be. This will naturally build her self-esteem and confidence.
5. Give unconditional love.
Unconditional love means giving unwavering support to your child regardless of where they stand in relation to their peers or whether they achieved a goal. When we let our kids know we love them no matter what, it motivates them to bravely step into new experiences and challenges. That’s what we want for our kids, right?
Take action: Let him fail at something without batting an eyelash. He needs to know it’s OK and you’ll love him anyway. Withholding our love or showing over-the-top disappointment can cut deeply into a child’s self-esteem. But knowing he can fail, and you’ll still love him will give him the strength and optimism to try again next time. Why not give it a try?
What are some words you can give your child to encourage her when she struggles?
