“I had too much freedom as a kid,” my friend Julie said during a night out with friends. “I came and went when I wanted and spent a lot of time at my friends’ houses. My parents worked a lot, so given the choice, I just didn’t do homework, or take a bath, or whatever. Nobody made me.” She said all this freedom led her to make some bad choices in high school. As ironic as it may seem, kids crave boundaries.
Your kids probably won’t ask for a regular bedtime or restrictions on what they can watch or how long they can hang out online. They may not even realize they draw a sense of security from the fences you put up around their world. But they do. Here are 3 reasons your child needs clear boundaries.
1. Your children want boundaries because they want your approval.
It’s only when the dos and don’ts are clearly laid out that kids know how to earn your approval and affirmation. In a home where the rules don’t exist or change with the wind, children never know where the line is until they’ve crossed it. We don’t want our kids guessing how to behave or wondering what’s going to get them sent to their rooms or into timeout. Setting clear boundaries and enforcing them is going to be a huge relief to kids, especially because most kids want to please their parents.
2. Your children want boundaries because it gives them an out.
There are inappropriate things in the world kids don’t want to do, or say, or take part in. But with peer pressure being the incredible force that it is, kids and teens are sometimes hesitant to say something for fear of ridicule. When they can fall back on “I would, but my parents won’t let me,” they get to save face with their peers while still avoiding the bad environment or experience. Give them an out by setting boundaries and telling them they can use your rules when feeling pressured by friends. It’s a helpful trick they can use until they’re old enough or confident enough to claim those choices for their own.
3. Your children want boundaries because it makes them happier.
Sometimes, my friend Julie had to fix dinner for herself as a kid when her parents worked late. Other times her parents yelled at her for questionable things like falling asleep on the couch instead of getting herself into bed. She said she never really felt secure in their love. “I’m definitely raising my daughter differently,” she told us. Hearing her story motivated me to keep working hard to establish boundaries with my kids. It makes sense that kids who have established boundaries and routines tend to experience greater overall happiness. It’s because setting boundaries is a loving thing to do.
Make no mistake—it’s work setting boundaries and maintaining them. In the moment, you won’t always be popular with your children for it. And perhaps that’s why so many moms and dads don’t see it through. But it’s up to you to have the wisdom and foresight to see the payoff that boundaries will bring to your family as your kids grow. You can do it!
What boundary has been difficult for your kids to accept?
