A Facebook friend’s post included a photo of a smiling boy with a phone and the caption, “He wore us down.” Even though she wanted to hold out another year, she bought her 11-year-old son a phone. I felt for her. When you have a persistent child whose friends have something they also want, it can consume them and, thus, consume you. And her son fell right into the national average. According to Common Sense Media, 71% of kids in the U.S. have a phone by the time they’re 12.
You get it. Phones are alluring. But what if you don’t think your child is ready? Are you wondering what to do when your child wants a phone, but you’re not willing to hand over that responsibility? From responses to give kids who are begging to pep talks to give yourself, try some of these 5 ideas to put off purchasing a phone a little bit longer.
1. Educate your kids, even if they seem unreceptive.
This is one of those times you definitely don’t need to use “because I said so” to support your decision. Knowledge is power, even for your tech-hungry kid, and there’s plenty of research about how phones and social media are designed to get you addicted.
But don’t grab your pitchfork and make phones the enemy. Be honest when you tell your child why you want to wait. Use empathetic language, like “I understand why you want a phone, and we’ll get you one eventually. But there’s a lot of research that shows that phones have negative effects on kids, and I love you too much to just hand you one and hope for the best.” You could even admit it if you struggle to manage your own time on your phone.
Use open communication, not closed doors. Instead of just saying no, have discussions about your concerns, and discuss what signs of maturity she needs to show for you to be willing to buy a phone.
2. Lead by example, and live in a low-phone zone.
Sure, my kids ask for phones because they see friends using them, but they also see me enjoying apps, social media, and texting. If I want to delay getting phones for my kids, I have to be willing to admit that I too struggle to keep my phone out of my hand.
I also have to create boundaries to put it in its rightful place in my life. One idea for what to do when your child wants a phone and you’re not ready is to treat your phone like a house phone every evening. Turn the ringer on, silence all other notifications, and dock it in the corner of the kitchen. This not only sets a healthy example but also makes you more readily available for real-time family conversations.
3. Find strength in numbers.
Has your child used the “I’m the only one without a phone” line? While that’s not true, it feels like reality to her. Don’t fight this battle alone! Talk to other moms, and establish a united front. Share tips, create phone-free hangouts, and hold each other accountable. Knowing you’re not the only one with this dilemma can be incredibly reassuring and strengthen your resolve.
4. Be willing to be unpopular.
I’m not talking about your child, although she might argue that not having a phone will leave her out of the loop. But no, I mean you, Mom. If you’re agonizing over what to do when your child wants a phone, it might be because you know your choice to say no will upset your child and make you public enemy number one for a little while.
As parents, we have to accept that our kids aren’t going to like the decisions we make, and they might get mad at us and say hurtful things. Thick skin is a job requirement for parenting, and this will be a test.
5. Consider a safer compromise.
For some families, it makes sense to buy a child a phone. Maybe your child has to walk through an unsafe neighborhood to get to school, or you co-parent, and talking via your ex’s phone gets complicated. If you’re concerned about your child being able to get in touch with you, buy a phone with just text and calling capabilities. If you get pushback, you’ll learn your child’s real motivation for asking.
And remember, there’s value in delayed gratification. Waiting for a phone with internet and apps will not only keep your child safer but hopefully help him appreciate it more and treat it with greater care.
What reasons does your child give for “needing,” a phone and how do you reply?
