“Moooooom.” My son wiggled away from me. “Bye!” His backpack bobbled on his back as he ran to meet his friends. Was I embarrassing him? Frozen in place, I offered a little half-hearted wave. Bye? Is this where we are now?
He’s so little! And my child is embarrassed by me? I had a dozen thoughts running through my head. The thing is my little guy’s growing up. Yours probably is too if he’s ever called you out for embarrassing him. It’s one of the un-fun steps of being a mom. But here are 5 ways to respond when it happens.
1. “OK, honey. I won’t hug you here. Have a good day at school!”
It’s humbling. Your child brushes your hands away and you’re left standing there hugging air. Or looking a little forlorn. But it happens to many of us. Try not to see it as a personal rejection, but that she’s learning about “societal norms,” says Tanith Carey in her book What’s My Child Thinking? It’s a “sign that her brain is growing.”
Respect her wishes, and this will give her self-esteem a boost as well as added confidence in her ability to state how she feels.
2. “Let’s talk later about when it’s OK for me to give you kisses.”
The rules may be a little unclear at the start. One day he wants you to give him a kiss, but the next day he doesn’t. It could depend on his mood or who’s around. Or he may still be figuring out what he wants. He probably likes your affection but is working through whether it’s worth the risk of possibly getting teased. Whatever the reason, having a chat about it later is probably a good idea.
Boys and girls both need time and space to share their feelings with you. Validating how they feel is important as well.
3. “Oops. My bad. You’re a big kid now. I know that.”
If you and your child have already talked about this issue and you make the mistake of planting a kiss on her cheek at drop off, acknowledge your mistake. Apologizing to your child for crossing the boundary she’s set, and you both have agreed upon, shows respect for her wishes. Pushing her to accept the kiss or blowing it off with a get over it statement isn’t going to build your relationship but could very well hurt it.
Think long term. Respecting her wishes now and not doing something that embarrasses her will set you both up for a stronger mother-child bond in the future.
4. “I understand. I love you!”
It’s one of the most powerful statements I’ve come across in parenting: I understand. It provides the empathy your child craves in that moment, even as you grapple with the startling realization that my child is embarrassed by me. As Carey says, your child is trying to “figure out what’s ‘normal’ among her peers and doesn’t want to be treated like a baby.” When you say you understand, you let her know it’s OK to have these feelings, even if she doesn’t quite understand them herself.
Knowing she has you in her corner, giving her the support she needs as she gets older, gives her the confidence to continue growing into her own person.
5. “Excuse me? We’ll talk about kindness and how you speak to me later on. Have a good day!”
Sometimes, to avoid embarrassment in front of his peers, a child might say something disrespectful to you, thinking it’ll make you back off or leave him alone. And though calling you a name, pushing you, or saying mean things isn’t acceptable, keep in mind this is probably an exception to who he is, not his character as a whole. He’s acting out in an attempt to look good in front of others but doesn’t realize it makes him look worse. Let him know you’ll talk about his attitude and how he behaved later, but let it go for now.
Model adult behavior and avoid sinking to his level. Show him the right way to behave in how you respond. Sometimes an excuse me said with a certain look is enough to remind him he’s stepped out of line.
It’s hard coming to terms with the thought, “My child is embarrassed by me.” Has it happened to you? How did you respond?
