My daughter and Natalie found each other on the swings days before kindergarten began, and like peanut butter and jelly, they became inseparable. Natalie’s fun-loving spirit perfectly matched my daughter’s playful nature. From the day they met until the end of third grade, they shared adventures, hugs, and lots of laughs as each other’s best friend. But when Natalie’s family moved the summer before fourth grade, it was like my daughter’s world had ended. And as her mom, I felt all the heart-wrenching emotions with her.
When our kids have a best friend, it can make them feel special and invincible. But you might be wondering: Is it normal for kids not to have a best friend? The truth is, not every child has one, and that’s OK. Here are 4 things to keep in mind if you’re worried your child doesn’t have a best friend.
1. Not every child has a best friend, but she may have close friends.
So, is it normal for kids not to have a best friend? Friendship researchers have looked into this issue with elementary children and found that as they get older, more kids find a best friend. By age 11, almost half of all kids have a mutual best friend. But what I found interesting was that a big percentage of children throughout the elementary years had close friendships, but not exclusive BFFs. And only a quarter of kids at every grade level had neither. Another thing to know is that “having a best friend is not the same as being generally well-liked by peers. About one-third of kids who are very-well-liked by their classmates don’t have a mutual very-best friend,” says Eileen Kennedy Moore, PhD.
Bottom line: Just because your child doesn’t have a best friend doesn’t mean she’s totally friendless or unliked.
2. Having no best friend can be an unexpected blessing.
My daughter and Natalie had been pretty exclusive, so my daughter suddenly found that if she wanted to play with others at recess, she had to make an effort. It took time, but she practiced joining in with other groups, and eventually made a new friend group and even a best friend. If your child doesn’t have a best friend right now, she can work on courage and on getting out of her comfort zone. Having that desire to have a best friend could motivate her in positive, character-building ways.
Bottom line: Not having a best friend can build resilience and social skills your child wouldn’t have if she were reliant on only one other person.
3. There are things you can do to help your child if he wants a best friend.
Some kids just gravitate to each other. Maybe they share the same interests. But sometimes, it’s the ability to relate to the other person that makes a difference. Kennedy-Moore says, “A key differentiator between those who [have] a best friend and those who [are] chronically best-friendless” is a child’s “ability to understand someone else’s perspective.” Talk about feelings, and practice perspective taking at every age: Look at your brother. Does he look happy that you called him a pest? How do you think he feels?
Bottom line: We can give our kids a leg up on the skills needed to develop friendships. Talk about feelings at home, and help your child learn how to pick up on other people’s nonverbal cues.
4. Sometimes a best friend isn’t really the best friend for your child.
I had a best friend in third grade who teased me. And once, when she got upset, she grabbed my forearm and twisted the skin. That became the final straw in our friendship. If your child’s best friend is mean-spirited, critical, or constantly makes your child the butt of all his jokes, you probably don’t want your child spending all his extra time with him. A friend isn’t someone who damages your child’s self-esteem. In this case, discouraging the friendship would be best while teaching your child how a real friend should be.
Bottom line: Having no best friend is better than a bad best friend. Talk with your child about what to look for in a real friend like kindness, honesty, and generosity.
Have you wondered if it’s normal for kids not to have a best friend? What answer have you found through experience or research?
