Just when you think you know your kid, he up and becomes a teenager. Then the ways you connected—the talks and inside jokes you shared, the ways he accepted your love and attention—so many of them change. When my friend Nikki felt her 15-year-old pulling away, she said, “I feel like I’m smothering him and that he thinks I’m annoying.”
We’re never going to stop trying to show our older kids love, but there are different ways to express our feelings so they land better. Enter: the gentoo penguin of Antarctica. How’s that for a left turn? These birds carry pebbles to their partners to symbolize their relationship and help build their nest. Now, the term “pebbling” is associated with leaving small symbols of love, and it can be particularly effective between moms and teens. Want to give it a try? Here are 10 ideas along with the reason pebbling works so well with teens.
How to Engage in Pebbling
Pebbling is simple. That’s the beauty of it. It’s quick and discreet, so it shouldn’t garner a cringe or cold shoulder from your teen. First, you choose a “pebble”—something that shows your teen you’ve thought of her. Then leave it unexpectedly where your teen is likely to find it, like in her backpack, makeup bag, bedroom, car, or phone. Add a personal touch if you want. A handwritten note or a small gift adds a special meaning, but isn’t necessary.
10 Ideas for Pebbling With Your Teen
- Text a funny meme out of the blue.
- Pick up his favorite candy, and leave it in the pocket of his hoodie.
- Make her a sandwich, and bring it to her while she’s studying.
- Share a song or lyrics that made you think of him.
- DM her an Instagram reel you think will make her laugh.
- Text a link to an article about a topic he’s interested in.
- Load up the pantry with his favorite snack.
- Fold and put it away her laundry for her.
- Put gas in her tank if she drives her own car.
- Put a note in his wallet with a smiley face and “XOXO, Mom”
What Makes Pebbling a Good Fit for Parents and Teens
It’s positive reinforcement. When a teen receives unexpected affection, it creates positive associations with the giver (you). It also encourages your teen to do the same in return.
It creates a secure attachment. Consistent, reliable acts of TLC like pebbling contribute to a secure attachment style, which is crucial for emotional well-being and healthy relationships.
It’s non-verbal. Pebbling can convey messages of love, care, and support when verbal expression might be challenging, and isn’t that par for the course with teens? It can also be a starting point for communication.
It surprises and delights. For teens who crave novelty and excitement, little unexpected treasures or acts of kindness hit the spot and release dopamine, which leads to feelings of closeness.
BONUS: Pebbling is a common social interaction style used by people with Autism Spectrum Disorder to communicate emotions and connect with others. In fact, it can be used in therapy as a tool to help neurodivergent kids express their emotions and communicate with others. If you have a child with ASD, pebbling can help you connect in a way that’s meaningful to him.
Are you already pebbling with your teen? What’s your favorite “pebble” to leave?
