My son stood on the school lawn, sipping a bottled water. He’d forgotten his phone, so he stood out among the other teens with their heads down, thumbs scrolling. I’d hoped he’d find a buddy, but he just stood there. Awkwardly. I finally drove off, feeling worried he’d stand there frozen in place for the next two hours. But when I picked him up, he fizzed with excitement. He’d had so much fun hanging with friends. Only later, he explained, “Mom, I saw you watching me from the car, and it stressed me out.” Eek.
Sometimes, I unintentionally contributed to my kid’s stress. And he didn’t need that. There are 5 other hidden sources of stress in teenagers. Here’s how to support them through it.
1. Maintaining a High GPA and Getting Into a Good College
Are you ready for some serious mind-boggling? In her research, journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace found that students in high-achieving schools were in an at-risk group, “meaning they were two to six times more likely to suffer from clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse disorder than the average American teen.” Why? These teens face an overwhelming amount of pressure to succeed. But we can help change that. We don’t want our teens to be defined solely by their achievements. And we don’t want their mental health to suffer.
Support your teen: Paraphrasing resilience researcher Suniya Luthar, Wallace says, “[H]ome needs to be a haven from that pressure, where our kids can recover, and where their value is never in question.” Make sure your teen knows it’s her character—not her GPA—that makes her who she is. You may have to say it multiple times for it to sink in. But make sure it’s clear: Your character makes you who you are. And you’re kind, trustworthy, and loving. That’s way more important than how smart you are.
2. Negotiating Friendships and Romantic Relationships
My son said lots of kids bury their heads in phones or laptops during school lunch. In between classes, they catch up on texts or social media posts. It’s hard, he said, to make friends (let alone, meet girls!). This makes connecting with other kids a hidden source of teenage stress. “Young people are struggling with very high rates of loneliness and isolation,” said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. They may chat with others online, but it’s not the same as hanging out with someone who truly knows and understands them. Many kids, Murthy said, are saying they don’t have the quality relationships they need for closeness.
Support your teen: Check-in with your teen. Ask how he’s doing. You don’t need to solve all his problems, but showing up for him, and listening helps.
3. Juggling Multiple Responsibilities
As our kids get older, they’re naturally gaining more responsibilities. But many teens are also overwhelmed. They want to do well in school, but also pull their weight on the debate team or at volleyball games. Some have jobs or are learning how to drive. There’s a lot going on in a teen’s life! Speaking for my own two teens, there’s not enough time to just relax and have fun. And with all these choices about how to spend their time and where to put their energy, there’s an undercurrent of stress and worry: Did I make the “right” choice? Did I make a mistake?
Support your teen: Validate how your teen feels. This is stressful. Being a teen today is hard! Encourage her to cut back where she can.
4. Resisting Peer Pressure
Peer pressure looks different today because it’s not just in the school halls but online. Influencers and peers on social media can reach our teens at all hours of the day, sending subtle messages about the need to achieve or fit in. Faced with this pressure, teenage stress can skyrocket. But according to research in the National Library of Medicine, when kids have higher self-esteem and confidence, they can fend off some of this pressure. Check out our free printable How to Talk to Your Teen About Peer Pressure. 
Support your teen: Point your teen toward clubs outside of school so he can build friendships beyond school walls. Having other people who care about him will help grow his self-esteem.
5. Battling Sleep Deprivation
My son’s health teacher told him he needed 9 to 10 hours of sleep at night, but he says he has trouble falling asleep before 11. “Then I lie awake, worried I’m going to be so tired the next day,” he said. When teens are sleep deprived, they have trouble regulating their emotions, are more irritable, and have a harder time focusing in class. It can create a vicious cycle of staying up to get schoolwork done and feeling stressed and worn out the next day.
Support your teen: Encourage your teen to take a nap! Suggest 20 minutes of rest after school or dinner. Naps don’t mean he’s lazy. They’re a smart way for teens to catch up on sleep when their bodies at this age are naturally keeping them up later at night.
What other hidden sources of stress in teenagers have you noticed?
