“Grapes nearly did us in this morning.” My friend texted me after she dropped her son off at preschool. She explained that even though he’d always liked red grapes, today he’d acted like they were poisoned. I asked how things played out, and she said, “Oh I lost it. Then he lost it more. It got ugly.” I’ve been there many times. You probably have, too.
Our responses have a direct effect on our children’s responses. When we let our emotions get the best of us, it results in yelling, crying, and tantrums (yes, in kids and parents both). But there’s a more productive way to respond: by co-regulating. Think of co-regulation in parenting like emotional teamwork. When your child is upset, your being calm can help him or her settle down, kind of like lending your kids your peace until they find their own. It’s not easy, but it works. Here are 5 ways to use co-regulation to calm your child (and yourself).
1. Get close.
When I feel my temperature rising, I physically want to get bigger by standing up or throwing my arms in the air. That might intimidate my child, and it won’t calm him or me down. What is co-regulation in this case? It’s relaxing, consciously releasing the tension from your body, and then bringing yourself physically lower and closer. Research shows that getting physically close to small children—kneeling down to their level, offering a gentle touch, or simply being nearby—can provide comfort and help calm their nervous system.
2. Lower your voice
I’m a yeller, and I’m always comforted when I hear another mom say she’s a yeller, too. It’s normal when emotions run high, to raise your voice to regain control or get your child’s attention by matching her volume. But lowering your voice instead can have a powerful impact. I’m not talking about whispering, although you can try that if you want. Just catching yourself before you crank the volume up to 10, taking a breath, and speaking lower and slower encourages your child to quiet down, calm down, and pay attention. It also sends the message that you’re in control of your emotions, even when they aren’t.
3. Model deep breathing
This is classic co-regulation in parenting. We learned to “belly breathe” from Elmo. Together, both of you put your hands on your bellies. Take a deep breath in and watch your bellies rise. As you repeat the breaths, you can even tell your child, “I need to remember to take deep breaths. When we belly breathe, we get good oxygen that helps everything in our bodies relax.” Showing your child how to take slow, deep breaths not only helps in the moment, but it also gives them a lifelong tool for self-regulation, which will help them learn to calm themselves when they’re overwhelmed.
4. Stop talking and listen.
Even at a young age, kids want to be heard. This is where co-regulation comes in. I have to control myself long enough to remember there are big feelings in that little body. My child is still a person with emotions that I can make space for. I don’t need to let him scream at me, especially in public, but I can say, “Hey, bud. Tell me why you’re upset.” Then he can share that he wasn’t done playing when I said it was time to leave the park, or he doesn’t like grapes today.
Little ones who aren’t yet talking may not be able to articulate what’s wrong, but instead of talking, you can bring calm more quickly by giving them tools like a basic feel(or a wheel with more nuanced emotions). These help kids label emotions without judgment, strengthen your connection, and help them feel secure enough to calm down.
5. Just pause.
Anyone who’s tried to latch squirming toddlers into car seats knows that somehow, the more you try to force them, the stronger they get. Often, the best thing you can do is pause, remove your hands, and take a small step backward. This gives both you and your child a chance to reset. With little ones, narrating what you’re doing—“Mommy is going to stop for a second and give us both time to calm down!”—is a great way to use co-regulation.
Which of these examples of co-regulation feels the most natural and easiest to put into practice?
