“You gonna look for a job?” My kid sat slumped on the couch, game controller in hand. His eyes flickered to mine as his thumbs pummeled buttons. “Uh… Can we talk about this later? I’m in the middle of something.” It had already been “later” for some time now. I didn’t want to push him. But in that moment, I wished someone could bottle self-motivation for teens—I’d buy every ounce!
By the time our kids reach high school, hopefully they’re starting to find their footing as individuals. But some kids could use a little more self-motivation to study, make new friends, or set goals. To help, there’s a secret ingredient you can incorporate in your parenting. It’s not sold in stores. In fact, you already have what you need to make that self-motivation for teens a reality: give your son or daughter more autonomy and independence. Here are 3 ways to do it and why it works.
1. Let your teen know it’s “your choice.”
My teen’s English teacher assigned an in-class writing assignment on paper. But when he collected the work, he couldn’t read half the papers and gave them back. My son came home mad. “I don’t want to rewrite it,” he complained. “I get it,” I said. “Rewriting it would take a bunch of time out of your evening. And you’d rather do other things.” I listened to him vent some more and then said, “I’d probably just redo it. But that’s me.” I paused, careful not to add judgment. “This is your grade, your assignment. It’s your choice.”
We can’t make our teenagers do things they don’t want to do. But when we voice a suggestion, then put the ball in their court, we give our kids that secret ingredient to developing self-motivation: autonomy. And there’s “no fighting or power struggles,” says William Stixrud PhD and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven Child. We may not agree with everything these authors say, but their advice about self-motivation is super helpful.
Try this too: Stixrud and Johnson also recommend saying, “I love you too much to fight with you about your homework.” The more you practice this approach, the more opportunities your teen will get to develop self-motivation.
2. Give up your need to micromanage or double-check on him.
I get it. This can be a really hard thing to do, especially if your teen is struggling in some way: grades, friends, sports. But the more we hover and protect, the less our kids learn to be self-motivated. It’s almost like parental reverse-psychology: the less you seem interested in checking their homework or peppering them with questions, the more they’re going to want to take care of these things themselves.
In a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, researchers found that when parents give their teens more independence, it helps them feel more confident and in control of their lives. This then makes them more motivated, both in activities they enjoy (like practicing their basketball skills) and in tasks they need to do (such as bio homework). When we don’t give our teens practice taking charge of the things happening in their lives, that self-motivation muscle never gets worked. So, we need to hold off on things like pushing, prodding, questioning, and reminding. It has the opposite effect of what we want.
Do this instead: Remind yourself that when you don’t micromanage your teen, you’re communicating that you believe in him and what he’s capable of doing for himself.
3. Keep your own anxiety/desires in check.
Sometimes our own anxieties about our kids’ success turn into a constant negative presence in their lives. We nag. We cajole. We try to motivate them. And we do it to relieve our own worries—we think being a good mom means getting our kids on task. But that’s not true. Stixrud and Johnson says it’s a myth that the good parent is one who is vigilant and controlling.
In reality, “Controlling parenting can undermine children’s self-regulation and their capacity for responsibility,” according to the Child and Family Blog. This can then lead to the opposite of what we want. Our teens may look unmotivated or lazy not because they are, but because they’re responding to the pressure we’re unintentionally putting on them.
Do this instead: Control less. Give your teen more independence to make decisions for herself. Be patient. You may not get the response you want right away. But give it time. Motivation for teens has to come from within. So, giving your teen space—and time—to find that motivation is necessary.
How do you help foster intrinsic motivation for teens in your home?
