Anxiety is uncomfortable. And many of us—including our children—want to get rid of it entirely because we don’t like how it feels. But anxiety is our bodies’ natural reaction to stress. And if we can reframe how we look at anxiety, you might agree with me that it also has the ability to make us stronger. Good anxiety can be a tool for growth, connection, and resilience. Here are 5 ways to transform anxiety into strength for you and your kids.
1. Reframe anxiety as a motivator to take action.
Maybe you’re nervous about giving a presentation at work. Or your child hates getting called on to read in class. The dread we feel about what’s to come is anxiety. The future is uncertain and can make us fearful and tense. But even though we’d like to call in sick or talk to the teacher so she won’t call on our kid, avoidance doesn’t make the anxiety go away. Instead, it can make it bigger the next time we faced something that makes us worried or fearful.
Bethany Teachman, PhD, of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, says anxiety shouldn’t be feared. Instead, we should view it as something that can motivate us. “[W]hen we come to see anxiety as signaling a challenge instead of a threat, our world gets bigger. We try new things, we surprise ourselves with what we can do, and we learn that failing is not actually the end of the world.” Parents can use anxiety as a cue to be proactive: plan, prepare, and prioritize. If your child has anxiety before a test or performance, teach him that it’s natural. In this way, anxiety can motivate your child to focus and prepare more.
2. Build resilience by facing anxiety head-on.
After my friend’s son got hit in the head with a baseball at practice, he didn’t want to go back. That’s normal. Kids naturally want to avoid things that cause them stress. But avoiding something so they don’t have to feel those uncomfortable emotions only grows the anxiety. “Avoidance trains our kids’ brains to believe they cannot handle the situation,” says Catherine McCarthy, MD; Heather Tedesco, PhD; and Jennifer Weaver, LCSW, authors of the book Raising a Kid Who Can: Simple Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Adaptability and Emotional Strength. Anxiety is uncomfortable, but it’s also an opportunity to build strength. By confronting anxiety rather than avoiding it, your child can build resilience and tolerance to stress. This works for parents too!
You can model resilience by showing your children how you cope with your own anxiety. Maybe you take a walk, talk with your husband, take deep breaths, or say a prayer. With kids, encourage them to face small anxiety-inducing situations and learn how to manage them. Tell them the more they do this hard thing, the easier it’ll feel. With practice, they will build resilience in the face of this trigger.
3. Use anxiety as a means for connection.
When I opened up to a coworker about how nervous I felt attending a work conference, she told me she felt the same way. Immediately, I felt closer to her because of our shared vulnerability. Let your child know that anxiety is a normal part of the human experience, and nothing to be embarrassed about. When we open up to others about our struggles, including our struggle with anxious thoughts, we forge connections.
As parents, we don’t like to see our kids anxious, but if you’re tempted to tell her it’ll be fine and not to worry—don’t. Reassuring our kids might make their anxiety go away temporarily, but it doesn’t teach them how to cope. Instead, empathize and connect with her by understanding how she feels. Be realistic about the situation (acknowledge that this is a little scary instead of saying it’ll be OK) and tell your kids you will help them get through it. Clark Goldstein, PhD, says, “[Y]ou can [also] let them know that as they face those fears, the anxiety level will drop over time.” And this will give them confidence.
4. Use anxiety to problem solve.
If your child knows he has a big exam coming up, he might be anxious about it and how it’ll affect his grade. Instead of letting the fear about the test overwhelm him, talk to him about what he can do to dial down the anxiety. Brainstorm ideas with him. Maybe he needs to start studying sooner than later. Perhaps he can meet with the teacher to review problems. Or maybe he can get together with a friend to study. Planning and preparing for the test (or something else, like the season’s first thunderstorms if that’s his trigger) can help you both come up with coping strategies and make him feel more confident about how to handle whatever causes his anxiety.
When we feel anxious, our body receives a signal, telling us we need to act. Rather than becoming overwhelmed, we can use the rush of good anxiety as a useful tool for brainstorming solutions, planning ahead, and navigating challenges.
5. Embrace anxiety as a protective tool.
In small amounts, some anxiety can be helpful. For example, if you’re driving the kids to practice and take a wrong turn down a dark road, your stress response might kick in as you lean forward in your seat and look for signs to get you back to where you’re supposed to go. Similarly, if your child is outside school waiting for you but you’ve gotten caught in traffic, he may start to worry and head back inside to alert his teacher. These are stressful situations, but in both examples, anxiety helps us stay vigilant to protect ourselves.
Anxiety is a symptom of our stress response, according to the Cleveland Clinic. “When our bodies and minds sense danger, our sympathetic nervous system jumps in to protect us.” This means we’ll feel symptoms of anxiety like a racing heart, muscle tension, sweating, and a change in mood. Help your kids to recognize the signs of healthy, good anxiety such as being on alert and paying more attention to one’s surroundings.
Final thought: You don’t have to tackle all of these techniques at once. Try focusing on one at a time and talking about the technique with your child. Together, you can work to embrace anxiety, rather than let it control you.
In what ways can you use anxiety as a tool for your child?
