For many of us, worrying about our kids comes with the territory of being parents. But I’ve learned over the years that it doesn’t make me a better parent. In fact, having more worries can negatively impact my kids and hold them back.
We want our kids to be able to thrive as they grow their confidence year after year. But worrying too much might make kids think they need to worry too. Let’s not let that happen. We can be good parents and keep our worries in check. Here are 5 things you might be worried about—and what to do instead to raise resilient kids.
1. If You Worry About Your Child’s Milestones
If you’re worried about your child hitting his milestones—whether it’s walking, talking, motor skills, or other developmental milestones—it can create a tense and stressful environment at home. “There’s a wide range of what’s considered normal, so some children may gain skills earlier or later than others,” according to Nemours KidsHealth. If you compare your child to other kids, you may then inadvertently start to push your child before he’s ready. Even though we all occasionally jump online to consult Dr. Google, if you spend hours looking for answers about milestones, your anxiety may be ratcheting up too much. If you’re stressed, kids can sense it.
Do this instead: Focus on celebrating your child’s growth and accomplishments without comparing him to others. Trust that your child will reach his milestones when he’s ready—this fosters strength and perseverance in the process. If you’re still concerned, talk to your pediatrician.
2. If You Worry About Your Child’s Academics
Do you ask a lot of questions at the end of the day about how tests went? If they participated in class? If they turned in their assignments? If this sounds like you, your anxiety about their success in school won’t go unnoticed. Kids are perceptive and can tell when you’re overly worried about something in their lives. This can then make them anxious too. They may avoid doing work around you (or at all), and may avoid telling you anything about their day. The pressure to do well can also make them afraid of failing.
Do this instead: Reframe the conversations to the joy of learning. Many parents stress about their kid’s schoolwork, but focusing on effort rather than results helps build academic resilience. Create a supportive environment at home that teaches your child that mistakes, along with asking for help, are part of growth and can build their resilience in the process.
3. If You Worry About Your Child’s Safety
Whether they’re starting school or learning to drive, it’s natural to feel a little worried. But if our anxieties turn into overprotectiveness, we could limit our kids’ opportunities to gain confidence and develop self-esteem. “We are so afraid of the kinds of dangers that are actually so rare that we are not allowing our children to prepare themselves for the bumps in the road of life. Then, later on they fall apart,” says psychology and neuroscience professor Peter Gray. Our fears can also send the message that the world’s an unsafe place and our kids need to be overly cautious. This can turn into childhood anxiety that sticks with them as they grow.
Do this instead: Hold off on saying, “Be careful!” When we give kids room to take healthy risks, that’s when they gain confidence and build resilience. Small challenges will also help them tackle bigger challenges later on. And being confident in their capabilities is a great way to ward off any anxieties of their own.
4. If You Worry About Your Child’s Future
If he can’t handle fifth-grade math, how’s he ever going to get into a good college? It’s not uncommon for us to worry about the future because we don’t like what we see in the present. But here’s the thing. Your child is still going to change so much. He or she will not be the same person in a year or two (or ten!) from now. When we worry about the future, we have “an unrealistically negative view of what the future holds” and a “tendency to expect the very worst outcome” for our children, says psychotherapist Debbie Pincus. And our fears and worries can then make the problem bigger.
Do this instead: Stay in the present and be grateful for your child at this moment. Foster resilience and a growth mindset so she knows she can reach her goals with effort and practice. By equipping her now with the skills to persevere, you’re preparing her to face future challenges with strength and confidence.
5. If You Worry About Your Child’s Character
Maybe you’re worried about whether your child is kind enough, responsible enough, or honest enough. Maybe it’s another quality that you’ve tried to instill, but for some reason, you haven’t seen it stick. You’re afraid he’s never going to change. Sometimes, when this happens, it makes us come down even harder on our kids as we try to “fix” whatever it is we think our child lacks. If we call them rude or bad, they’re going to start internalizing those names as part of their character—exactly what we don’t want.
Do this instead: “Show your child that you are on their side,” says child development specialist Claire Lerner. “Shaming them only makes them defensive and less likely to reflect on their behavior.” Instead, be a trusted helper to guide them to think through their experiences in a nonjudgmental way, so they can learn to make the best choices for themselves and develop resilience in the process.
State the facts: “You really like those toys, so, when your friends tried to take them from you, you got upset.” Then ask guiding questions: “What do you think your friends were thinking when they saw your toys? What other choices could you have made?” This helps kids reflect and work through these problems as they learn our values. It can also ease your worries about your child’s character. When we let go of our worries, we give our kids the space to grow into resilient, strong individuals who can face whatever life throws their way.
What aspect of your child’s life are you most worried about?
