Ahh, the easygoing child. If you feel like everyone has one but you, you’re not alone. You might’ve found yourself wondering, What have I done wrong? But often, these kids are born with a temperament that’s just a little more challenging. Having a “little dictator” or “boss” in the family probably isn’t what you dreamed about, but if you’re struggling with a child who likes to call the shots, a few tweaks to your parenting could help restore balance to your household.
I’m not going to lie—it won’t be easy. But with time, practice, and patience, there’s a way to end the power struggles and increase cooperation. And this can lead to a renewed sense of joy in parenting your child whether he’s young or in double-digits. Here are 4 things you can do to restore balance when you have a controlling child.
1. Instead of trying to calm him down, hear and acknowledge him.
Does your child like things his or her own way? Maybe your daughter only wants you, and not dad, to read to her. Or maybe it’s your son who insists on a snack before bedtime. Often, a child who likes to control the shots has big feelings and difficulty managing them. Some kids take longer to develop this skill.
What to do: Instead of saying You don’t have to get so upset, parenting expert Janet Lansbury says to do what might feel counterintuitive—lean into these big feelings, even welcome them: “Yeah, it’s frustrating when I say no to you. And it’s normal to feel that way when people don’t do what you want them to do.” Lansbury says when we acknowledge these feelings, we help our children feel heard and safe to express them.
2. Rather than bend to her will, set appropriate boundaries.
If you regularly feel like your child is the boss, it’s time to take back control. Instead of giving in to her, do what you feel is right, and let her feel the big feelings of disappointment, anger, or frustration. Kids of all ages will feel safer knowing YOU are in charge (not them). Barbara Dunn Swanson, a human sciences specialist with Iowa State University Extension and Outreach, says family rules and boundaries create “a sense of comfort for children” and “can improve child behaviors.”
What to do: Rather than getting upset at your child, remind yourself that she is having a hard time with her emotions. When you show that you’re in charge, it makes a child feel more secure. Remind yourself that just because your child doesn’t like the rule doesn’t mean it’s not good for her.
3. Don’t be afraid of your child’s tantrums.
What mom hasn’t tiptoed around her child, or changed her mind to avoid a tantrum? We all have. It’s not easy to listen to your child yell or argue. But if these things happen regularly when he doesn’t get his way, it’s time to make changes. Choose not to jump up and do whatever it is to please him or make him feel better. That gives him too much power and, as Lansbury says, he learns that “everybody’s intimidated by me…They don’t want me to be upset.”
What to do: Believe that you can handle the anger and arguments. Lansbury says the sooner your child goes through the transition period, the sooner he’ll get to the other side. When you say no to something, remind yourself he’s going to be unhappy and that’s OK. If you stay calm and let him vent, over time, he’ll learn to accept the rule.
4. Be consistent.
A controlling child wants some power to feel safe. Giving her choices in her own life can satisfy that need for control. Stay consistent, and don’t let her make the rules for you. With all strong-willed children, your will needs to be stronger than hers. You can always stand by, ready to pull her onto your lap, or give her a hug once she’s calm and ready.
What to do: When it’s appropriate, say, “You can make decisions about yourself, like what you want to read, but Dad and I make decisions for our family.” Even though it might feel like you’re being mean, you’re giving her the space to work through these difficult emotions. And that’s what she needs. All children are works in progress. Just be a patient and calm presence as she learns these important skills. There will be major payoffs over time!
If you have a controlling child, what is your main struggle these days?
