Recently, another mom told me about her daughter Elsie’s heavy load of AP classes. Then she listed all Elsie’s extra-curricular activities—and there were a lot. It didn’t leave much time to learn how to drive or to hang out with friends. “But she likes being busy,” this woman said. “She really pushes herself.” I left that conversation feeling the pressure of toxic achievement culture at the parent level and later, started to worry about how it affected my kids. Do they feel the pressure to achieve?
While Elsie may be able to handle a super packed schedule, it’s not for everyone. Teens need balance in their lives. When they don’t find it, anxiety and depression can creep in. Here’s what you need to know about toxic achievement culture and what we can do about it.
Teens need balance in life to feel healthy.
My friend Vicki, who’s a high school teacher, told me, “Just because your kid can doesn’t mean he should.” That pertains to taking AP and honors classes as well as packing his schedule with various after-school activities. And she’s right. If he’s overwhelmed, losing sleep, or has no time to socialize, achievement culture may be working against him.
We need to be realistic about how much our kids can or should do. And even if your son wants to play a sport, take SAT-prep classes, and take on a leadership position at school, it doesn’t mean it’s best for his wellbeing. It’s our job as parents to teach our kids how to find a healthy balance with everything competing for his time. No teen should be so busy he doesn’t get more than five or six hours of sleep at night (when the recommendation is eight to 10), eat a solid dinner most nights, have time to connect with friends, or just chill. Our bodies need these things to function well.
Achievement culture quickly can become toxic.
Achievement culture is the pressure to do well in school and in extra-curricular activities. Many kids face this pressure from teachers, peers and coaches, or at home from parents. And there are other kids who put a tremendous amount of pressure on themselves. Of course we want our kids to succeed, but when the pressure to succeed gets to be too much, and subsequently starts to affect kids’ moods and outlook on life, achievement culture has become toxic.
My son’s friend Nate quit the swim team so he could focus more on his grades. But his mom told me it had the reverse effect: “I think he’s depressed.” He no longer had that outlet to burn off stress and instead, worked until 11 or 12 most nights. He had his sights set on a particular college and refused to let up, even though he admitted he was unhappy and missed seeing his friends. His parents finally took him to a therapist who is now treating him for anxiety and depression.
Re-examining your role can help your teen.
Pushing our kids too much and being too involved can backfire. In her book Never Enough, Jennifer Breheny Wallace cites a mom named Catherine who micromanaged her son “to squelch her own anxiety.” She’d pepper him with questions as soon as he walked through the door after school: “’How’d the test go? What homework do you have this weekend? How are you going to budget your time? Did you read that college guide I earmarked for you?’” Wallace says “there was nothing about Catherine that was remotely unlikable. She was gentle, loving, kind, and thoughtful.” Unfortunately, her son barely graduated high school on time and then flunked out of college.
Wallace found in her research that kids from high-achieving schools showed “elevated rates of anxiety, depression, and related issues.” But when we, as moms, are high-achievers, perfectionists, or overly involved in our kids’ lives, we also contribute negatively to their mental health. This is so scary! None of us are trying to hurt our kids. Most of us are probably doing what we think is the loving thing to do: encouraging our kids to reach their potential. But our kids are feeling it as pressure.
You can help break the cycle for your teen.
Not every teen succumbs to this kind of toxic achievement culture, but it’s important to talk with your child about her workload, to be available when she wants to share her feelings, and to keep tabs on whether she’s making healthy choices while balancing everything on her plate.
But for those who do get swept up in toxic achievement culture, Wallace says “mattering,” can help. Mattering is the feeling of being loved and valued regardless of achievements and successes. Wallace found that kids who felt they mattered were able to bounce back from setbacks better. So, what does that mean for you? We need to communicate to our kids we love them regardless of grades, wins, or losses. Our love is not tied to their accomplishments. And it’s not good enough to just say it. We need to mean it and show it through our actions too.
Has toxic achievement culture affected your teen?
