I glanced at my daughter in the passenger seat, then took a deep breath. “Sweetheart,” I began. I didn’t have a plan, and I didn’t know exactly what I’d say. I didn’t know how to talk to my daughter about porn. I didn’t even like saying the word. But I knew I had to. She was 14. And though she wasn’t on social media and only recently got a phone, I wanted to get ahead of the game before she found out another way. And besides, many experts would argue I’d waited too long.
I can do this, I told myself. And for the next several awkward minutes driving home, we had the conversation I wish I didn’t have to have. Talking about pornography isn’t fun, but I’ll help you get through it. Here’s how to talk to your daughter about porn.
Acknowledge the awkwardness.
Start off by saying, “I wanted to talk with you about something, and it feels really uncomfortable. But it’s important.” Being honest about your own discomfort can make it easier for your daughter to engage (or at least bear with you).
You know your child, her friends, her maturity, and tech savviness better than anyone. So, you’re the best person to determine when you should start having this talk. The younger she is, the more general it should be. For kids 8 and younger, you can start by talking about puberty, body image, and body safety. For tweens, you can continue these conversations but broach the topic of pornography. Fight the New Drug, a nonprofit that aims to inform people of the harmful effects of pornography, says, “Most kids are exposed to porn by age 13.” So, starting this conversation when your child is between 8 and 12 isn’t too young.
Find out what she knows.
Take a breath, maybe say a prayer for strength and guidance, and then ask, “Have you ever heard the word ‘porn’ before?” At 14, my daughter hadn’t. And I was grateful. But then I had to explain it. I said that porn consisted of images or videos that show people doing sexual things.” (You could also say, “having sex,” but I couldn’t quite get that out.) I told her she could accidentally bump into these things online.
If your daughter says she does know what porn is, ask her to explain so you know you’re both on the same page. You can also ask questions like, “Have you seen it online?” and “Has someone shown it to you?” If she has seen porn, you can then follow up with, “How did that make you feel?” Psychologist and author Lisa Damour said on a recent podcast episode that “porn is pretty traumatizing for kids to look at. It is overwhelming.” Your daughter may have a hard time expressing how she felt if she saw it, but by opening the door to this awkward conversation, you’re letting her know you’re there to listen and empathize.
Give her the truth.
“Porn isn’t real life,” I told my daughter. “Many of the people doing these sexual acts are actors playing roles.” I said it wasn’t what real love or real life looks like. Or, real women’s bodies, for that matter. “Sometimes it can even be violent and can show women getting taken advantage of.” It’s important to make this point. Fight the New Drug says that “54% of boys and 39% of girls believe that pornography is a realistic depiction of sex.” This misguided belief can negatively affect kids’ romantic relationships as they grow, so it’s necessary to dispel this myth.
Be prepared to keep the conversation brief.
My daughter didn’t ask questions, and I didn’t blame her! It’s not a fun thing to talk about, so don’t feel like you have to draw things out for the conversation to be effective. Having a 2- to 3-minute talk might be enough for now. But think about bringing it up again in a few months. It’ll be easier the next time. Plus, kids are fast and having new experiences every day. Knowing you’re on top of this issue can help your daughter feel comfortable raising questions in the future and can help keep her safe in the meantime.
Give yourself a mental high-five.
Talking to your daughter about porn isn’t easy. But you do it (along with all tough parenting decisions), out of love. Kids are online much of their days—both at school and out of school. And they’re exposed to so much content that we can’t possibly know everything they’ve seen. That’s why talking with kids about what they see online, including pornography, “can help them understand issues and keep them safe from harm,” says eSafety Commissioner.
It’s not easy to know how to talk to your daughter about porn. But once you do, you’ll feel better, because you’ve equipped her with knowledge to keep her safe. You can do it!
Have you talked to your daughter about porn? How did it go?
